The Joke Thread: Whip 'Em Out

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said
,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So
what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell
a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season."


One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting
at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were
his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
 
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Quasimodo (the Hunchback of Notre Dame) decides to retire, and so he puts an ad in the paper for his replacement as bellringer. The next day, there is a knock at the door. Quasimodo goes down the many flights of stairs and opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs. "I'm here for the job!" states the man.
"No offense," says Q., "but I don't think you're up to the job."
"I can do it!" the man says. "Just give me a chance and I'll show you!"
Q. agrees to let him try. The man struggles up the stairs somehow. With miraculous effort he hoists himself up on the belltower banister, jumps out, grabs the rope with his teeth. He swings out, his face first hits the bell on one side, then the other, then the man goes flying out the window.
Q. runs down the stairs and out on the street. He finds a crowd around the man's body. A cop asks "Does anyone know who this man is?"
Q. replies "Well, I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

***

The next day, there is another knock on the door. Quasimodo answers and there is another man, no arms, no legs. "That was my brother got killed the other day. I'm here about the job!" Q. knows better than to protest, and the man proceeds up the stairs. Just like the day before, the man hoists up, jumps out, grabs the rope with his teeth, bong! one side, then bong! on the other, then flies out the window.
Q. walks down to the street where he finds the same scene. A cop asks "does anyone know who this guy is?"
Q. answers "Well, I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for the other guy."
 
Well, since this thread is dying I will contribute one more. Sorry for the off-color, but sometimes it's too funny not to include.

A five-year old boy walked into the bathroom and caught his father putting on a condom. "Dad, what are you doing?" he says.
Dad thinks fast and says "Well, um, I'm trying to catch a mouse, son."
The kid says, "What are you going to do when you catch him, Dad, fuck him?"
 
Q: What do you do if your rhythm guitarist is drowning? A: Throw him his amp.

Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
 
Jewish boy walks up to his Dad and says "Dad, I need 5 bucks". The father says "Four dollars! What do you need three bucks for?!"
 
This joke is courtesy of the great Emo Phillips:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

So I ran up and said, "Don't do it!"
He said, "I have to. Nobody loves me."
I said, "No, God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "So do I! Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me, too! Are you Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me, too! Are you Episcopalian, Lutheran or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Are you Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!"
 
Ed Byrne on Americans:

My only problem with the Grand Canyon is Americans are just a little bit too proud of it for my liking.

Seriously they're very proud of it, they love it. I spent two and a half weeks in that Grand Canyon, and if one more American was to say to me "[mock American accent] Hey! Bet you don't have anything like this in Ireland, huh?!", there was gonna be trouble! Honestly!

They are so proud of that hole in the ground, you'd think they'd all got together one day with a load of shovels and dug it them-*ucking-selves! And let's face it, if they were gonna do that, they would have got the Irish to do it for them, anyway.

I'm not knocking the Americans; they've done a lot to be proud of, to be honest with you. They invented Jack Daniel's, they invented Coca-Cola, and then they put the two together, hohohoho! They're a thinking people! Put a man on the moon, gave us Marlboro cigarettes, Bill Hicks, Jimi Hendrix, they've done a lot to be proud of.

But the Grand Canyon was like that when they found it! And it's not like it was hard to find, that *ucker's huge! "[mock American accent] Bet you don't have anything like this in Ireland, huh?!" Yeah, well if we did, we wouldn't have anywhere to put it! Stupid thing to say! "Yeah, move Limerick, we have a big canyon coming in!" [pauses] Actually that not a bad idea, really. Just ask anyone who's ever been to Limerick.
 
A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi
ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.

A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile
man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand
on the man's head, and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.

The young gentile decided to take his newfound wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could.

After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.

"I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man.

"I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat was running. The odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It
was the longest shot in the field."

After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in the fifth race, I thought
this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat. An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the
longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths.

"You must have made a fortune," said the father.

"Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better," replied the son.

"In the following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1" Stetson being some
kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father.

"Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!"

"Are you telling me you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father.

"No," said the son.

"I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau, which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the
money on Chateau. But the horse broke down and came in last."

"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau" you moron," said the father.

"You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?"

The son answered, "A long shot from Japan named Yamaka
 
Two men are sitting in a bar......... drinking. A couple hours go by then one of the men says to the other, I can't wait to get home and tear my wife's panties off!!! The other man a little shocked says really? does she have you tore up that bad? The other man says no, they're riding up in my crack!
 
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She has no clue what to get. So the artist says, 'what do you like?'. She says, 'I love the Blues Brothers.' He says, 'how about BB?'. She says, 'sure. I want one B on my left butt check and the other B on my right butt cheek.'

Ecstatic, she goes home to show her boyfriend. She pulls down her pants and shows him.

He says, 'WHO THE HELL IS BOB!!!'


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
A man is sitting on a plane waiting for take off when a very attractive women boards and comes down the isle and as luck would have it her seat is right next to his.

The plane takes off and after a bit he decides to try and strike up a conversation; excuse me, do you mind if i ask where you are flying today? She hesitates for a second then she says, well I'm going to a nymphomanic convention.

He's completly shocked but musters up the courage and says, if you dont mind me asking why would a beautiful women like you need to go to a nympho convintion for.

She replied, I inform women about how certain male stereotypes that are just not true. Like how african americans are the most well indowed. Thats not true its actually native americans. And how Itialians are the most passionate lovers, and its actually the Jews, and how the Latins are supposed to have the most stamina, when really its the men who live in the "south" of the United States.

Finally she stops and says, Oh I am so sorry, I've been telling you all of this, and well I'm so embarressed, I dont know you, I dont even know your name.

The man looks staight at her and says, my name? my name is Tonto Goldstien, but my friends call me "Bubba"
 
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Voice over radio: "S.O.S., S.O.S. Can anybody hear me? We're sinking, we're sinking!! Help!"
Other voice: "Hello, sis is se german coastguard. What are you sinking about?"
 
Women at the grocery: "Hello. I'd like to buy a cucumber."
Grocer: "Sure. Why not buy two, so you can eat one?"
 
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick
bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this
town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
 
My neighbor just got a bike last year. So now they ride with us.

Lastnight, he comes over and says... "My wifes birthday is tomorrow and she's loving riding on the bike so much. She keeps hinting she wants something new and shiny and goes from zero to 150 in three seconds! Man what should I get her?"



I looked him in the eye and said......



Get her a bathroom scale!!! BAMMMMMM!!!!!!:lol :lol :lol :eek:
 
A bear and a rabbit are in the middle of the forest.... Pooping!




The bear finishes and looks at the rabbit and says... "HEY, does this sh*t stick to your fur too?"

The rabbit says with a smirk "Of course not silly!"




... So the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his ass with him! BAMMMM!!!!!!!!:lol:lol
 
Little 8 year old johnny wakes up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and runs into his parents room

Oh my he's in shock! His dad is pumping away on top of his mom. Then dad looks over at little johnny and winks and smiles. Then keeps on giving mom the ol' sausage!!




three weeks pass




Dad hears this moaning in little johnnys room. He runs up and opens the door and OMG!!! Theres little johnny going like mad on top of his gramma! Dad is furious! He's turning red and ready to SNAP!!!!

Little johnny stops for a second... looks over at his dad and says...
"Not so funny when it's your mom is it?" BAMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol:lol
 
Three couples want to join the local church. They meet with the pastor. He tells them, "Only the worthy are welcome here. Go home and abstain from sex for a month. Then we meet again". The month passes and they meet with the pastor again. Pastor looks at the first couple and asks, "Did you abstain"? They say, "It was difficult, but yes we did". The pastor says, "Then you are welcome in the church". He turns to the second couple and says, "Did you abstain?" They reply, " It was really difficult for us too. We almost didn't make it, but we were able to control ourselves." Pastor says, "Then you are welcome in the church." He turns to the third couple and says, "And you?" The husband looks at the floor. Finally he says, "We did OK for the first week. By the second week, we were struggling. Third week was almost unbearable. Then yesterday, my wife dropped a head of lettuce. She bent over to pick it up and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I took her right there". Stunned, the pastor says, "I'm sorry but you are not welcome in the church." The husband says, "That's OK pastor. We are not welcome at Kroger either."
 
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Drummer to guitar player: "How do you get so many girls?"
Guitar player to drummer: "I wear tight pants and put a potato in them."
Drummer to guitar player: "I'll try that."

Next night

Drummer to guitar player: "I tried the potato. I'm using it now. It does not work."
Guitar player to drummer: "The potato goes in the front of your pants."
 
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