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The Joke Thread: Whip 'Em Out

smilefan

Experienced
We need a joke thread the liven up the Lounge.

I'll start. Make 'em funny, this is a tough audience :)


A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla available.


Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee
Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal
cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species. Herein, the Zoo Keeper
thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition:
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under five conditions:

"First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The
Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," he said, "she must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern
Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with
that $500.00."
 

smilefan

Experienced
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too...
 

claudel

Experienced
George W. Bush Goes to Hell

So, GWB dies and finds himself in He11 talking to the Devil, who
seems to be having an overcrowding problem.

Lucifer says to the late President:

"This is how it's gonna be. We don't have enough room for all the
newcomers, so I've been letting someone leave when I find somebody
to take their spot.

I'm gonna show you three rooms, and *you* get to pick which room
you want to occupy for the rest of eternity.

I'll then release the occupant of that room and you can take their
place."

Bush ponders this for a moment and responds:

"It doesn't sound like much of a deal, but I have to do what I
have to do."

So, they check out the first room and in it is Richard Nixon who
is hung up by his wrists and is being whipped by a bunch of smarmy
little trolls who are showing him little mercy.

Bush exclaims:

"Well, I don't think I want that, let's see the next room"

They check out the second room and in it is Ronald Reagan, who is
strapped to a dunking chair and is being repeatedly dunked in a
large vat of fetid sewage water by a couple of minor demons.

Bush is getting scared now and whines:

"Well, I don't think I want that either, let's see the next room"

Next, they check out the third room and in it is Bill Clinton
sitting at a desk that looks much like the one in the Oval Office
and there is a young, attractive woman under the desk with her
head bobbing up and down.

GW ponders for a minute and says:

"That looks like something I could handle, I think I'll choose
this room."

Satan then proclaims:

"Alright then, your choice is final."

He then opens the door of the third room and tells one of the
occupants:

"Hey, Monica.

I found your replacement, you're free to go."
 

Jack Napalm

Power User
There was a psychiatrist that was taking his interns around to show them the padded cell patients. They go up to the first window and the guy is in their acting like he is swinging a bat. He runs around the cell and jumps up in down in celebration. The doctor opens the door and asks ‘what are you doing?’

The patient goes ‘when I get out of here I am going to be a famous baseball player.’

The doctor leaves and says to his interns that the patient is making progress.

They go to the second window and the guy is acting like he is putting. The doctor once again opens the door and asks “what are you doing?” The patient states that he is practicing to be a golfer when he gets out. The doctor is beaming with excitement at the prospect of these two patients making progress and is feeling pretty good in front of his interns.

A intern looks into the third window and the guy is crouched down in the corner with his hand cupped over his crotch moving back and forth away from him really fast. Kinda like he’s doing the nasty to himself but with his hand cupped over his crotch as opposed to him stroking something. The intern says ‘look Doctor, look at this guy’.

Everyone is trying to huddle around the window and the doctor pushes his way through the crowd, open the door and yells ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING!’

The patient looks up and says ‘I’m *ucking nuts and I aint ever getting out of here.’
 

t0aj15

Power User
For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Ben was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car. Resuming the journey, Ben tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Ben.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Ben looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

"Good trade . . ."
 

t0aj15

Power User
Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their
usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was
amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great
stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed
any help.

He asked, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She replied, "There's a whole shelf of it. Would you
like some?"

He said, "Oh yes, I'll take 5 loaves."

She admonished, "My goodness! 5 loaves? By the time
you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it. Everybody knows about
this shit but me."
 

DC23

Experienced
How many counselling psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one...but only if the lightbulb really wants to change.

:D I have a psychology degree hehe...
 
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shasha

Fractal Fanatic
I'll probably screw this one up a bit, but you should get the idea. This is my all time favorite joke.

Two guys are sitting beside each other on a plane. Neither of these men are very sociable so they just kind of sit there ignoring eachother for most of the flight. Well about 4 hours in one decides to break the ice and notices that the other has a left black eye.

So he says to him "hey isn't that a strange coincidence that we're both on the same flight, sitting in the same row and both have a left black eye."

The other guy looks at him and sure enough he has a black eye just like his. So he replies and says "yes that is a very strange coincidence, how did you get yours?"

"Well it's funny that you should ask, it was a tongue twister."

"A tongue twister? How do you get a black eye from a tongue twister?"

"Well I was at the travel agency and there was this beautiful agent working there and instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh I said can I have two pickets to Tittsburgh and she punched me right in the eye."

So the other guy exclaims "Oh my God, you aren't going to believe this but I got mine from a tongue twister too!"

"What are the chances of that happening? Please tell me the story."

"I was sitting down to eat breakfast with my wife Saturday morning and instead of saying Honey, can you please pass me the sugar, I said YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU @$#*#*$(& (&#(*#$**&%&%!"
 

guitarded

Experienced
This may not be how this really goes... this is just how I remember it...

Ok, there was this magician doing his act on stage. He invited someone from the audience to participate.
A guy comes up and the magician hands him a sledge hammer and says I want you to hit me in the head with this as hard as you can!
The guy was shocked but agreed to do it figuring the magician must know what he’s doing.
The guy swings and the magician is laid out cold!
He is rushed to the ER where is slips in and out of consciousness for hours.
The doctors finally get him stable but he is in a coma.
The coma last for 14 years.
The family decides to finally pull the plug one day but just as they are about cut life support the magician starts to open his eyes. The family huddles in close urging him to speak. He finally gets the strength to utter two sounds…














































“TA-DAH”
 

alcaldwell

Inspired
A young guy decides to become a monk and join a monastery. On the first day, he's taking a tour when he comes across some monks copying out the bible by hand. Curious, he asks the senior monk why they are doing this. The senior monk explains that each generation makes a copy from the generation that preceded them. It has been done this way since the monastery started. The young man thinks about this for a second and then asks "well, what happens if the original copy you have had an error or a typo in it?" The senior monk's face turns white. It's obvious he has never considered this before, and he rushes off to the library where they have the original copy.

After a few days, no one has seen the senior monk. The young man becomes worried and decides to check the library. The senior monk is sitting on the floor with tears streaming down his face. He looks as if he's been crying for several days. The young man says "Sir, sir, why are you so upset?" The senior monk looks up at him and says......





















.... the word was "celebrate"!
 

gittarzann

Power User
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane.
One guy says to the other, “Let’s talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”
The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about nuclear power?”
The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?”
The first guy says, “I don’t know.”
The other guy says, “Oh? Well, then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know crap?”
 

smilefan

Experienced
In a secret order of Catholic priests there were twelve monks about to be ordained. The final test, ordered in secret to correct the Church's recent spate of embarassing incidents, was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell. Suddenly, eleven other bells began to ring......
 

biggness

Power User
Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by. One of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows."That was a very nice thing to do," says the second man.
"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 25 years."





Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.One Texan turned to the other and said "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands and asked "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head "No."
He asked "Can ya breathe?"
Still gasping she again shook her head "No."
With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said "Ya know, it's amazin' -- that hind-lick maneuver always works!"


A couple takes their young son to the circus. When his father goes to buy popcorn, the boy asks, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant’s trunk, dear," she replies.

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

His mother blushes and says, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returns and the mother goes off to get a soda. As soon as she leaves, the boy repeats his question.

"That's the elephant’s trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing down there."

The father says, "Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"Dad," the son asks, "how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man takes a deep breath and explains, "Well son, here's the truth. I've really spoiled that woman."
 
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