The Joke Thread: Whip 'Em Out

Guy walks into a bar with a chupacabra on a leash, sits down, and asks the bartender, "Do you serve attorneys here?" Bartender says, "Sure." Guy says, "Great. I'll have a beer, and my chupacabra will have a lawyer."
 
A woman goes into a tattoo shop and says:
"I love Elvis. I love Elvis so much I want his face tattooed to the inside of each of my thighs, right next to my coochie."
She slips off her panties, hikes up her skirt and the artist sets to work.
Hours later he finishes. The woman looks down and exclaims:
"Those don't look anything like Elvis!"
An argument ensues and they fuss back and forth.
Finally the tattoo artist says:
"I'll settle this. Wait here."
He goes out of the shop and grabs the first person he finds-an old wino-and brings him into the shop.
The woman spreads her legs and says:
"I want you to tell me who this is."
The wino squints and stares for a moment and says:

"I don't know who those two fellers are. But that guy in the middle is Willie Nelson."
 
scotts said:
A woman goes into a tattoo shop and says:
"I love Elvis. I love Elvis so much I want his face tattooed to the inside of each of my thighs, right next to my coochie."
She slips off her panties, hikes up her skirt and the artist sets to work.
Hours later he finishes. The woman looks down and exclaims:
"Those don't look anything like Elvis!"
An argument ensues and they fuss back and forth.
Finally the tattoo artist says:
"I'll settle this. Wait here."
He goes out of the shop and grabs the first person he finds-an old wino-and brings him into the shop.
The woman spreads her legs and says:
"I want you to tell me who this is."
The wino squints and stares for a moment and says:

"I don't know who those two fellers are. But that guy in the middle is Willie Nelson."
Click to expand...

That joke was a lot funnier in the '70's. I don't think "Willie Nelson" has had a beard for the last decade, if you know what I mean.
 
An alcoholics wife threatens to divorce her husband if he starts drinking again. He breaks under pressure and finds himself in a bar pounding shots with one of his old drinking buddies. After 10 too many he throws up all over himself.
"Now my wife will know and she's going to throw me out".
His buddy says, "Here's an old trick. Put a $20 in your shirt pocket and tell her someone was sick and threw up on you. They gave you a twenty to pay for your dry cleaning".
The drunk goes home and is confronted by his wife. He gives her the story about the $20 dollars so she reaches in his shirt pocket and pulls out $40.
She says "I thought the guy paid you $20 to pay for your shirt. Why do you have $40"?
Husband: " I forgot to tell you, he also crapped my pants".
 
There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar.



What a fine example of an integrated community
 
There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house.

BEDROOM SEX - After a while after you have been married you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married forever you just pass each other in the hall and say f*** you.

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f*** you in the divorce court for everything you've got.
 
Thanks all, I'll be repeating a bunch of these! My fav "blonde" joke:
A ventriloquist is doing his act and starts telling blonde jokes. In the middle of the audience a tall blonde stands up and says "Stop those jokes right now! What does the color of my hair have to do with the value of me as a human being?"
The ventriloquist becomes flustered and starts to stammer an apology.
The blonde says "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
 
A guy joins an order of monks and takes a vow of silence. He is allowed to say two words every ten years. After ten years he goes to the head monk, sits down and thinks a minute. He looks at the head monk and says "Food bad".
Ten years later he goes to the head monk, sits down, says "Bed hard".
Ten more years go by. He goes to the head monk, sits down, looks him in the eye and says "I quit"!
The head monk says "I'm not surprised, you've been complaining since you got here"!
 
Customer in a restaurant orders the soup. Halfway through he drops his spoon. The waiter rushes over and pulls a spoon from his pocket. The customer thanks him and says "Do all you waiters carry extra spoons around?"
The waiter responds "Yeah, we had an efficiency expert come in and he calculated that we would save a lot of time not having to back to the kitchen."
The guy finishes his dinner and calls the waiter over. "Hey, I noticed that all you waiters have a string hanging out of your fly, what's that about?"
The waiter says "That's the efficiency expert again. He noticed we spent a lot of time washing our hands after going to the bathroom, so he had us tie a string around our "thing" so we don't soil our hands."
"OK," says the customer, "that explains how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"
"I don't know about the other waiters, but I use the spoon."
 
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever
sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the
CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of
their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some
incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
 
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