I originally posted this on the Hamer board a while back when a similar thread was created, thought y'all might enjoy the larf as well...
"I got that beat" (feeling like Hooper from Jaws during the late night "scar bragfest" on the boat)....
Back in the heyday we used to have an illusionist that travelled with us who did big, dark Copperfield type gags on stage as we played, and on occasion I'd set up other extra "freakshow" talent to perform on stage with us as well. On one such occasion I hired a fire-eating stripper to do her thang on a couple songs, and it was pretty sexy and cool... until she set me on fire.
It went down like this- it was my big jump-down-off-the-big-stage-into-the-crowd number, where I do the "play with the teeth" extended solo and grind the ladies schtick. I used to be a pretty good looking chick (before age turned me into this wreck of an old man), thin, fit and all that, and had a habit of getting pretty close (if not all the way) to naked on stage. Well, the band was rockin' hard, the illusionist was doing his "needle thru the neck blood gag" on some hapless assistant, the fire-eatin' stripper was gyrating nicely and waving her big lit torch all over the joint and I was down to my beyond skintight pleather pants basically hanging well below my hips, held on solely by sweat. I do the 6 or so feet jump down to the theaters main floor and proceed to solo my ass off. I get to the big show-off point and raise the guitar to my mouth and start bitin' away, the pleather pants now below my hips (thanks to a couple helpful ladies in the audience) and my entire ass is exposed in the back along with a decent portion of upper thigh. I'm wailin' and the crowd is going nutz, and all of a suddenly I feel an ungodly searing heat hit me on the thigh and quickly spread up my ass and onto my lower back. Not missing a beat of the solo I turn my head while I hammer on with my left hand and see my right leg, ass cheek and lower back completely engulfed in flame. I immediately bring the guitar down, keep hammering on and proceed to smack my ass, back and leg with my right hand trying to put the fire out. Now, this shit she spit must have been (and definitely felt like) napalm because as I smacked at it it just stuck to my hand and arm and spread.
Now, you would think that someone (at least one of the lovelies who so sweetly pulled my pants off) would come to my rescue, but noooo- they all think it's part of the act and watch me burn. Some of this is my own fault- I probably should have stopped soloing and screamed "HELP, I'M ON FUCKING FIRE!!!" or something, but I was a pro, ego was king and the show had to go on. My crew couldn't get to me fast enough, so it was up to me to put the damn fire out, which I finally did. I then made my way back to the stage, pulled up what was left of the pleather (some of which was now melted onto my ass) and finished the show... in a crazy amount of pain.
Every show/tour I did had it's share of "Spinal Tap" moments, and believe it or not some were even crazier than this, but this one was my fave (yes, I am a sick man). A quick footnote- to top off the evening, after the show I was assaulted by my best friend with a bottle ala every western barfight scene you've ever watched and had a knockdown, dragout with him, and was robbed at gunpoint for the evenings gate. But that's a tale for another time...