Dad Jokes

[Freds55]

Why did the beer file a police report?
It got mugged.

 

[fcs101]

Why did the beer file a police report?
It got mugged.

I thought that was the coffee!

 

[Freds55]

Hope you’ve had a great day today

At the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.

People gave me weird looks, so I started jogging instead

 

[bleujazz3]

Why did the Roadrunner finally call it quits with Wile E. Coyote?
Warner Bros caused so much hub-bub when Acme Magnets did their film clip regards the magnetic birdseed, not only did NASA express their concern, the Coyote had to switch to tamer prey like Mowgli's buddy, Baloo.

 

[Freds55]

Jungle book it’s been just a minute

 

[fcs101]

Q: What would you get if Polygram, Warner, and Keebler merged?

A: PolyWarnerCracker.

 

[fcs101]

Q: Why was the computer so tired when it got home?

A: It had a hard drive.

 

[DallasGlenn2005]

Not really a dad joke, but I read this for the first time over 25 yrs ago and it still makes me laugh….

 

[Churchhill]

 

[Freds55]

One day a parrot walked up to the counter inside a convenience store. The parrot said to the clerk "Got any grapes?"
"No" replied the store clerk. The parrot smiled and walked out the door. A little while later the parrot returned and asked "Got any grapes?" The clerk replied "No! I already told you 15 minutes ago, i don't have any grapes!"

The parrot smiled and once again walked out of the store. Ten minutes later, the parrot returned and asked once again "Got any grapes?" The irate clerk yelled "No! We didn't have any, we don't have any and we're not going to have any! If you come back in here again, i'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The parrot smiled and walked out the door. Later that day the parrot returned and asked "Got any nails?" The clerk said "NO!". The parrot replied "Good. Got any grapes?"

 

[fcs101]

Q: Why did 'A' come out of the bathroom as 'E'?

A: He had a vowel movement.

 

[fcs101]

If taking a poop is "the call of nature", is a fart a missed call?

 

[fcs101]

Q: Why are helium, curium, and barium called the medical elements?

A: If you can't heal-ium or cure-ium, then you bury-um.

 

[Freds55]

Q: Why are helium, curium, and barium called the medical elements?

A: If you can't heal-ium or cure-ium, then you bury-um.

That was a good one! lol

 

[Freds55]

I'm not one to brag about my finances, but my bank calls me almost every day to tell me my account balance is outstanding!

 

[Freds55]

Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it'll be round

 

[Freds55]

Gotta good chuckle out of this one lol

I bought a really expensive laxative from the pharmacy.It gave me a good run for my money.

 

[bleujazz3]

Guy visits his doctor.
"What seems to be the problem, young man?"
"Well, really not a problem, per se, but I've not had a bowel movement in 4 days."
"Hmm. Go to a pharmacy and ask for this OTC med. Take it per instruction and contact me if no results in 7 days."
Seven days go by, and the guy is visibly concerned.
"Um, doc, it's been 7 day since you suggested the OTC med, and nothings happening. What now?
"Hmm. Try this prescription med for 3 days and let me know the results."
Three days pass. No bowel movement yet.
"Uh, doc, the prescription med isn't doing it either. What else you got?"
"Wow. Lesse, lemme check your vitals again, check for any blockages..."
45 minutes later, the doctor revisits the exam room.
"You got me beat buddy, I can't figure out why your bowels aren't moving. Um, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a practicing guitarist studying at a ritzy music college."
"Oh for Pete's sake, I shoulda guessed. Here's $25 for a decent lunch and a hot coffee with refill. Go get something to eat."

 

[DaveO]

 

[DaveO]