Dad Jokes

bleujazz3 said:
So can carrying a heavy courseload. Thank God I didn't need a college education for my job. I did well this year growing tomatoes and poblanos instead.

I asked my female coworker how her garden was doing. She smiled sweetly, said she had a good crop, and squirted hand sanitizer on her hands. Immediately, over the store stereo, Georgia Satellites played.

I tried to crack out a weak smile, but no popcorn or movie for this guy.
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That's really cool response @bleujazz3, hope you can get some mustard for your ketchup, you know being chemically imbalanced is very fashionable these days I'm told! BTW there's mayonnaise in a very large jar at Costco!
Enjoy!
 
DaveO said:
That's really cool response @bleujazz3, hope you can get some mustard for your ketchup, you know being chemically imbalanced is very fashionable these days I'm told! BTW there's mayonnaise in a very large jar at Costco!
Enjoy!
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I take it you're not ordering anything and your Temple Audio is keeping you company for the evening...be well and take care of yourself...when you're really you again and not THAT Dave, we'll try again. Have a great evening.

P.S. My intuition tells me that you and French's mustard don't get along well together. Try the store brand or Gulden's on those pretzels instead. And try playing something other than rock. Your professors may not get why you're changing your music curriculum, but those salt peanuts won't speak to you while you're sitting in the bar either...
 
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bleujazz3 said:
I take it you're not ordering anything and your Temple Audio is keeping you company for the evening...be well and take care of yourself...
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I'm actually on a waiting list, no cow balls yet, ha ha, but if your selling your FM9T please include your for sale link so I can see how much your asking...
 
Beer convention
There's a beer convention in town, and all the CEOs from all the beer companies are there. During a break between seminars, a few of them went down to the hotel bar for a drink.
The Anheuser Busch CEO says to the bartender, "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers," and he takes his drink and sits at a table
The Coors CEO says, "I'll have a Coors, Brewed with Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water," and joins the other CEO.
The Heineken CEO says, "I'll have a Heineken, Lager Beer at its Best," and he, too, sits at the table.
The Guinness CEO says, "I'll have a glass of water, please," and joins the others.
The other three CEOs look at him, puzzled, and one of them inquires, "You're drinking water?"
"Yes," he replies. "If you three aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."
 
DaveO said:
I'm actually on a waiting list, no cow balls yet, ha ha, but if your selling your FM9T please include your for sale link so I can see how much your asking...
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Actually, I've got the same type of FM9 you have (I've seen pics of yours on this forum) and I've not ordered an FM9T myself.

I've neither the time nor energy to spend waiting for an FM9T. I was intrigued, but only curious. My eyes didn't linger long enough for any desire to take root. That may have been a good thing; not only did it save me money, but I didn't want it that badly that I'd try some way of acquiring one, legally or not. Thankfully, it prevented me from running afoul of the law.

Long story short, I saved myself a lot of trouble by saying "No, I'm good," to myself when the FM9T was announced. While the extra 10% processing power is nice to have, I don't need it. It might have been a want, but not something I'd need arriving on my doorstep.
 
bleujazz3 said:
Actually, I've got the same type of FM9 you have (I've seen pics of yours on this forum) and I've not ordered an FM9T myself.

I've neither the time nor energy to spend waiting for an FM9T. I was intrigued, but only curious. My eyes didn't linger long enough for any desire to take root. That may have been a good thing; not only did it save me money, but I didn't want it that badly that I'd try some way of acquiring one, legally or not. Thankfully, it prevented me from running afoul of the law.

Long story short, I saved myself a lot of trouble by saying "No, I'm good," to myself when the FM9T was announced. While the extra 10% processing power is nice to have, I don't need it. It might have been a want, but not something I'd need arriving on my doorstep.
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good candor, I'm on the ~T list, guessing I'll be summoned 2023 sometime between July and October (hopping), I'll need the extra processing power for my defibrillator preset I'm building!
 
DaveO said:
I asked the carnival worker how the trainer had taught the duck to dance.
He said I don't know, I only turn the hot plate on.
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So the prince had been turned into a frog, and he spent his days on a lily pad in the pond.
One day, a fair young maiden chanced by, and the prince made his move.
"Kiss me, fair maiden, and I shall turn into a handsome prince!"
Fair maiden immediately picked up the frog and pocketed him.
When the maiden got him home, she placed him on the table.
The frog said, "Why don't you kiss me; don't you want a handsome prince?"
Fair maiden said, "Look around, buster, I've got laundry hanging from the rafters, dirty dishes in the sink, and a no-good husband who plays the lute for a living."
"I'm sorry," said the frog, "But what about that kiss?"
"Kiss?" the maiden snorted, "I can make 50 times what my husband gives me for an allowance with a talking frog!"
 
bleujazz3 said:
So the prince had been turned into a frog, and he spent his days on a lily pad in the pond.
One day, a fair young maiden chanced by, and the prince made his move.
"Kiss me, fair maiden, and I shall turn into a handsome prince!"
Fair maiden immediately picked up the frog and pocketed him.
When the maiden got him home, she placed him on the table.
The frog said, "Why don't you kiss me; don't you want a handsome prince?"
Fair maiden said, "Look around, buster, I've got laundry hanging from the rafters, dirty dishes in the sink, and a no-good husband who plays the lute for a living."
"I'm sorry," said the frog, "But what about that kiss?"
"Kiss?" the maiden snorted, "I can make 50 times what my husband gives me for an allowance with a talking frog!"
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Jake is driving in the desert...
And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.
Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The only thing he finds is his poisonous windshield wiper fluid. To at least have something, Jake decides to take it with him.
And then the journey begins.
So he walks...
And walks...
And walks...
Eventually, he gets too exhausted to walk, so he crawls...
And crawls...
And crawls...
And crawls...
Dehydrated from the blazing desert heat, he gives in to his reflexes and drinks the windshield wiper fluid.
It didn't help.
So he continued to crawl...
And crawl...
And crawl...
But then, as he thought he couldn't crawl anymore, he sees the strangest thing in his entire life: a snake wrapped around a large upright stick.
Bewildered, he approached the reptile.
Then, the snake speaks to Jake:
"Hello, I am Nate, Guardian of the Lever. If the lever is pulled, the entire universe, everything in it, and all life will come to an end. I was told that the next person who approaches would be the new Guardian of the Lever, and I was to grant him three wishes to reward him for accepting this noble task."
Jake processes the extreme responsibility bestowed upon him, and gladly accepts his new role. He begins with his first wish:
"First, make me healthy. I am simultaneously dying of windshield wiper poisoning and dehydration."
And Nate obeyed; with a swish of his tail, Jake was cured.
"Second, get me out of this desert. While the Lever is great, I want to go home."
Nate replies, "Before I grant your second wish, what is your third wish?"
Jake ponders this, and finally decides, "I want all of the wisdom in the entire universe. I want to understand how to be successful and live life to the fullest."
And then Nate granted both of Jake's wishes, bringing him back home with new knowledge.
With this knowledge, Jake became very wealthy. He bought a beautiful house with an amazing view, started a family, and sold an extremely successful start-up.
However, Jake knew of his responsibility, and would often go to see his good friend Nate, who still lived by the Lever because he had been there for so long.
On one of his trips to visit Nate, Jake takes a new car through the desert. After a distance, Jake sees the Lever, a cliff, and Nate. Jake decides to stop the car and reaches to brake, but he unfortunately bought his car from the wrong person, for the brakes weren't working. Jake analyzes the situation. If he keeps going straight, he'll plummet off of a cliff. If he turns left, he'll hit the Lever which will end the entire universe, everything in it, and all life. If he turns right, he'll crush his good friend Nate.
Jake knows the correct decision.
He turns right and kills his good friend Nate.
Jake then exclaims, "Better Nate than Lever!"
 
bleujazz3 said:
Tell me about the defibrillator preset.
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So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
 
DaveO said:
good candor, I'm on the ~T list, guessing I'll be summoned 2023 sometime between July and October (hopping), I'll need the extra processing power for my defibrillator preset I'm building!
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Here's my reality: I've got a clock that sits directly above my workstation, and an AC outlet lower where things are plugged in.

I could say that Father Time has been playing tricks on me, but I find an outlet for it with my creativity.
 
bleujazz3 said:
Here's my reality: I've got a clock that sits directly above my workstation, and an AC outlet lower where things are plugged in.

I could say that Father Time has been playing tricks on me, but I find an outlet for it with my creativity.
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Father Time really needs a real job imo,
Q: What is Father Time's favorite thing to read?
A: A yearbook
 
DaveO said:
My first workout back at the gym was great.
I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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If you're serious, sorry to hear this. I usually find time to work out by walking at a decent pace, but not overdo it. If the weather is too warm or the sun too hot, I wait for a better day. Spring and autumn are nice because the temperatures are cooler and I find things to do in my garden that help manage my weight. I don't expect any miracles, but sometimes I ask my family over and they show up on my doorstep for a meal, and being hospitable, I feed them. We don't have wild parties, but neither does someone play the clarinet and sing off-key either. It is our brand of "fun," though I can say I usually don't let the world's view mold me into what it expects.
 
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