Dad Jokes

News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said...
Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days! šŸ¦ˆšŸ¦ˆšŸ¦ˆšŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£
 
In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.
On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funeralsā€¦

Your joke is sooo funny that it stopped water from flowing. It was damn funny
I think you've confused yourself with yourself again. Congratulations, Grandpa. But at least you're yourself again.
 
A elderly friend of mine complained of leg cramps, so I thought it wise to ask about her diet. She revealed that she ate a bowl of fiber and nuts cereal with milk 3 times a week, cottage cheese and fruit twice a week, and scrambled eggs, crumbled cheese and salsa the remaining 2 days.

"This might sound strange," I said, "but you might wish to reduce your dairy intake. Too much dairy can cause build up of lactic acid in your muscles, which contributes to leg cramps. Consider that when we were kids we ate all sorts of junk food and didn't think anything of it until later in life. Because we ate what tasted good but had little to no nutritional value, we were poisoning our systems. Too much dairy has the same effect as a vasoconstrictor that causes leg cramps."

"How did you know this?" she asked.

"Simple. My doctor and I spoke about my health during the pandemic last year when she suggested to walk more often as exercise, take in more fresh air, clean water and sunlight, and eat a balanced nutritious diet, and reduce my processed carbs, fat, sodium, and dairy intake. When asked, "Why dairy?" the doctor replied just what I told you. Ask your primary care doctor. She'll tell you the same thing. It pays to ask to the important questions."

"So, my leg cramps aren't age-related?"

"Oh, of course they are," I said. "Being older also means your body doesn't process lactic acid as quickly anymore, so it builds up, the same way fat builds up in older adults."

"Are you saying I'm fat?"

"No, you're the result of what you put in your own mouth. With proper diet and exercise, you can live a longer and happier life than if you continued doing what you're doing now."

"Hmm," she said. "For a younger man, you're pretty intelligent."

"Thanks for the compliment," I replied, "but I don't wish to toot my own horn. God gave you a gift of life when you were born. If you don't screw it up, you'll live longer."
 
My Manager arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said ā€œwow thatā€™s an amazing car.ā€
ā€œIf you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, Iā€™ll get another one next year.ā€
 
My Manager arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said ā€œwow thatā€™s an amazing car.ā€
ā€œIf you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, Iā€™ll get another one next year.ā€
Sheer delight may mean one thing to you. In my world it's watching coconut palm trees wave back and forth, to and fro.
 
Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.
ā€œMr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, ā€œmy name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?ā€
ā€œWhat kind of favor?ā€ Sinatra asked.
Well, Iā€™m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ā€˜Hi, Bernie!ā€™ā€
ā€œOK, kid, Iā€™ll try,ā€ said the singer, smiling.
A little later he dropped by the boyā€™s table, and said, ā€œHi, Bernie!ā€
The boy looked up at him and snapped, ā€œDonā€™t bother me now, Frankie. Canā€™t you see Iā€™m busy?ā€
 
I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table ā€“ he was a web developer and he hated the menus. The bartender didnā€™t like the space bar. And I caught my waiter crying after he took my order. I didnā€™t understand why all the servers were down.

So when I saw the task manager, I asked him what was wrong. He said, seems your food keeps getting stuck in testing. I asked if it needed to be debugged. He told me those arenā€™t bugs, theyā€™re features. I asked if I could get some chips while I waited. He told me only if I also accepted all cookies. I said no. Then BLAM! He hit me. I said what the hell was that?! He said, a denial of service attack. I started to curse him out, but he threw me out for being a cursor. Jokes on him though: I didn't have enough cache anyway.
 
It's OK. Sometimes snow on the roof means you've learned something.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense like the Santa, Tooth fairy and Easter Bunny
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
 
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense like the Santa, Tooth fairy and Easter Bunny
Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
Yup. Just recently I was thinking about the Grinch. And Santa. And the ball drop on NYE. Where does it all occur? On the top of whatever.

Just happy it's not spaghetti. Only thing I was really paying attention to was the top of my head. Not a combover (I've got a full head of hair).

If you're interested, do some research about Mac Jones and his injury. You might find something important there.
 
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