Dad Jokes

A man walks into a bar and notices a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what's up with the meat. The bartender explains that if you can jump and slap a piece of meat, then you drink for free, otherwise you buy drinks for the house.

The man responds, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
 
A young lad was playing baseball in his backyard when he hit the ball over his fence into his adjoining neighbor's yard. Not wishing to bother the neighbor, the kid hiked himself over the stockade fence, and began surveying the yard for the lost ball.

About 5 seconds passed before the kid realized that the ball had rolled towards a doghouse with the name "Butch" over the house entrance. Thinking this was a hugely ferocious dog, the terrified kid crept towards the doghouse and used index finger and thumb to retrieve the ball from the dog's water dish.

The kid looked ever-so-cautiously into the doghouse, but could see nothing in the dusty darkness. The kid turned around, and there, standing shoulder level, was a mastiff with a frown on its brow.

The kid let out a "Oh my sweet Jesus save me..." and the dog lunged at the kid, who froze still. The dog licked the kid's face as the kid held his breath. When the dog was done, the kid let out a frightened and shaky, "Help!", and the dog put his forefeet on the kid's shoulders, forcing the kid onto his back.

The kid was impossibly entrenched now, and the dog sat on the kid's chest, as if he'd just claimed a prize. The kid could hardly breathe, but managed to squeak out a "Mr. Johnson, somebody...help, please?"

Shortly thereafter, the neighbor, Mr. Johnson, stepped out onto his back deck and remarked, "Ah, I see Bruno has made another friend. Play nice now, he doesn't like to wrestle unless he wins."

The kid could barely contain himself, "Pleez, Mr. Johnson, get this wolfhound offa me!"

Mr Johnson replied, "Bruno's a mastiff, one of the largest breeds known."

"What do you feed him?" asked the kid.

"Just about anything edible," replied Mr. Johnson.

"And how often do you feed him?" cried the kid.

"Just about anytime he asks," replied Mr. Johnson.

"Is...Is he friendly?" asked the kid.

"Well, he licked you to see if you'd taste good. He decided against that, so he sat on you to let me know I had a visitor. He's done his job, so I guess we can let you head on home."

"T-T-Thanks, Mr. Johnson. Um, can I have my ball please?"

"Sure, kid, just be sure if you hit the ball into my yard again you knock on the front door so Bruno here doesn't come looking for you in the backyard. He's really quite friendly, though those huge paws of his are kinda intimidating."

"I think...I think...I'm gonna...I'm gonna..." And with that, the kid's legs gave way under him and he fainted.

Mr Johnson stood there for a minute with his meerschaum pipe, shook his head, and signaled to Bruno to follow him indoors.

After about a minute, the kid regained consciousness and he looked around to see if all was well. It was, and it was dark. The kid had awakened to find himself safe in his own bed, the episode of the baseball, only a dream.

The kid laughed ever so quietly to himself, thinking he was genuinely happy to be alive. He patted his baseball glove and sniffed the baseball next to his bed.

It smelled like dog breath.
 
01/02/24 - Hartford Courant Evening Edition - Brewster Rockitt -

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My niece will be getting married this autumn. One of my goals this year is to diet and exercise according to FDA and CDC guidelines, so I can fit into a business suit that will be ordered later this year. While I hate buying crap that has limited use, the business suit will be welcomed because 1) it'll fit, 2) it can be let out in case some of the weight comes back, and 3) it'll feel better than what I currently squeeze into each week for meetings.

What foods you may ask? CDC guideline portions of lean meat and fish, legumes and nuts, fruit, vegetables, olive oil, limited dairy, limited processed foods, grains, limited sugars.

My body type allows for the Mediterranean diet. Exercise will increase to 150 minutes per week (30 minutes 5 days a week) of moderate exercise (walking or calisthenics) combined with strength training 2 days a week.

My current weight is 230 lbs and my height, 5'7". I live a mostly sedentary life save for 2 active days a week where I'm on my feet for 7 to 8 hours at a stretch, and sleep far too much on "recovery days" even though my age is 65 years young.

I personally have little to no health risk factors (though one alcoholic drink per day) no smoking, no risk-taking activities, never married, not "looking," elevated blood pressure, "clean" of any addictive substances other than caffeine, non-violent, safe driver, no current loose mental associations or ideations; the list goes on.

My recent doctor's visit convinced me that it's time to step up the exercise program and consider healthier food choices. My recent weight gain over the past 3 months resulted in plantar's fasciitis and was likely brought on by my feet unable to support my weight for the time during my active days.

I said to the doctor, "Well, it's time to go big or go home." We agreed that my physical health would benefit by strengthening and toning, and my food portion control could use some work.

My niece has vowed to do the same before her wedding. She's heavier than myself, and hopes to lose 60 lbs. My goal of 35 lbs is realistic, and attainable. Just need to put in the work, and be motivated enough to keep at it.
 
bleujazz3 said:
My niece will be getting married this autumn. One of my goals this year is to diet and exercise according to FDA and CDC guidelines, so I can fit into a business suit that will be ordered later this year. While I hate buying crap that has limited use, the business suit will be welcomed because 1) it'll fit, 2) it can be let out in case some of the weight comes back, and 3) it'll feel better than what I currently squeeze into each week for meetings.

What foods you may ask? CDC guideline portions of lean meat and fish, legumes and nuts, fruit, vegetables, olive oil, limited dairy, limited processed foods, grains, limited sugars.

My body type allows for the Mediterranean diet. Exercise will increase to 150 minutes per week (30 minutes 5 days a week) of moderate exercise (walking or calisthenics) combined with strength training 2 days a week.

My current weight is 230 lbs and my height, 5'7". I live a mostly sedentary life save for 2 active days a week where I'm on my feet for 7 to 8 hours at a stretch, and sleep far too much on "recovery days" even though my age is 65 years young.

I personally have little to no health risk factors (though one alcoholic drink per day) no smoking, no risk-taking activities, never married, not "looking," elevated blood pressure, "clean" of any addictive substances other than caffeine, non-violent, safe driver, no current loose mental associations or ideations; the list goes on.

My recent doctor's visit convinced me that it's time to step up the exercise program and consider healthier food choices. My recent weight gain over the past 3 months resulted in plantar's fasciitis and was likely brought on by my feet unable to support my weight for the time during my active days.

I said to the doctor, "Well, it's time to go big or go home." We agreed that my physical health would benefit by strengthening and toning, and my food portion control could use some work.

My niece has vowed to do the same before her wedding. She's heavier than myself, and hopes to lose 60 lbs. My goal of 35 lbs is realistic, and attainable. Just need to put in the work, and be motivated enough to keep at it.
Click to expand...
Keep at it Bob. It gets easier the longer you do it. Gotta start forming those new habits.
 
fcs101 said:
Keep at it Bob. It gets easier the longer you do it. Gotta start forming those new habits.
Click to expand...
It's the "gotta start somewhere" thing I need to work with. Finding 30 minutes a day for 5 days a week either calisthenics or walking may prove interesting. Just gotta get up off my butt and start...today is one of my 2 activity days, will just need to select 3 remaining days of the week to fill out the 5 days...tough part is slogging through when pain or depression interferes with normal exercise...hopefully why there will be recovery days following my 2 heavy activity days...
 
bleujazz3 said:
It's the "gotta start somewhere" thing I need to work with. Finding 30 minutes a day for 5 days a week either calisthenics or walking may prove interesting. Just gotta get up off my butt and start...today is one of my 2 activity days, will just need to select 3 remaining days of the week to fill out the 5 days...tough part is slogging through when pain or depression interferes with normal exercise...hopefully why there will be recovery days following my 2 heavy activity days...
Click to expand...

IME, one of the "tricks" is to set your goals so low that you cannot possibly fail.

E.g., if you're still building the habit, 5 minutes of walking or 1 pushup is a win. You can do more if you want to, but doing anything is better than doing nothing. Don't celebrate it with a candy bar, but do celebrate it....even if it's just smiling at yourself or sitting there and feeling your own success for a moment.

After you've actually built that habit, when it's easier to do something than nothing, then you can work on scaling up. If you're already past that step, awesome.

I'm also gonna say to be careful with FDA guidelines for diet. Do your own research, and I am neither a Doctor nor a nutritionist...but I can read studies as well as anybody. Their recommendations are based on lobbying, not science. My life got better when I decided to do almost the exact opposite of what the FDA recommended at the time. YMMV. I think Mediterranean is a decent option, with some caveats.
 
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