yyz67
Fractal Fanatic
Within the last couple months I finally tried out a couple different 12-step programs (Al-Anon, CoDA) realizing I have been much more affected by some things in my family (and my own 'coping' behaviors) than I had been comfortable really looking at and facing until now. My ego had kept me from things labelled 'recovery' as that might mean I was broken, but for some reason that shifted. I sat in on a few online groups feeling it out and the steps that really grabbed me were step 4 ("Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves") and step 8 ("Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all").
These two hit me square between the eyes like, oh shit, I haven't been really honest with myself nor with my immediate family, all in the guise of being agreeable, 'nice', 'loving', 'low maintenance', not boat-rocker and so on. I was (supposed to be) the 'good kid' and I didn't realize how that fucked with my self-esteem in positive and negative ways and how much I felt trapped by that role with very few emotional boundaries, short of avoidance or withdrawal. And I didn't see how much I have been passive-aggressive over the years deluding myself into thinking I was 'better' by taking some high road or not calling anyone on anything. I certainly didn't want to be called on my stuff. We were a 'nice' family that never talked about dirty laundry or questionable behavior towards each other--that was scary and shameful. We didn't go there.
Then I got a sponsor (also a friend) and I started from step 1. Yes, certainly part of my life and psychology is unmanageable (or at least not very functional in certain situations or with certain people). I used to be ashamed about my "problems" or challenges, hiding them at all costs, especially from my parents (even as an adult). So yeah, I'm powerless over parts of my life, certain people, their opinions of me, their reactions to me, and parts of myself.
Then step 2. Full stop. My negative experiences with religion and true believers as a kid put a block in me to anything smelling of god or higher power or being saved and whatnot. Fuck you and your higher powers, I don't want to be 'saved' and I don't trust you/it/he/them. This is partly why I turned to math/science. It took a while to let that go (as it was old and sabotaging in this context) and meditate on "a power greater than ourselves". This didn't need to be a divine entity or anyone else's image or belief or whatever. So maybe, maybe I could entertain the possibility that I (my little old self) didn't have full control (try as it might), and that maybe something beyond my ideas or even experience does. I can do that. Well, as a practice anyway. My default mindset is "I'm alone and have to do it alone and no one sees or cares", but I know where that's gotten me after 5 decades. So it's a practice to remember and act 'as if' there is a greater power. It would be conceited, presumptuous and silly to there isn't more/greater than me (which includes other people).
Step 3. What?? You mean I now need to act, actually make a decision, to turn over my life and will to that power?? That's a big ask for an intellectually-oriented self-control freak, ain't it? Well, unlike when I was a kid fearing I might go to hell if I didn't believe or if I sinned, this thing is up to me to do or not do for my own benefit (and unforeseen benefits around me). I asked my sponsor how he did it and he said he got on his knees and prayed for his life exactly as it was. I was speechless and almost reverent about my friend's ability to do that. A beautiful act of self-acceptance, self-love, humility, and gratitude which I haven't yet managed for myself. So this one is percolating, but when I act 'as if' I feel a relaxation, like "oh, I don't have to figure it all out myself? It's okay not to know much or even anything? Oh, yeah."
Step 4 so far seems like a swirl without much clarity. That's okay.
So I'm in the work. I guess it's working me.
Love to hear any shares or perspectives on your own 12-step journey (no need to say which). I'm particularly curious about steps 2, 3, 6, 7, 11 for those who might not identify with being religious or spiritual.
These two hit me square between the eyes like, oh shit, I haven't been really honest with myself nor with my immediate family, all in the guise of being agreeable, 'nice', 'loving', 'low maintenance', not boat-rocker and so on. I was (supposed to be) the 'good kid' and I didn't realize how that fucked with my self-esteem in positive and negative ways and how much I felt trapped by that role with very few emotional boundaries, short of avoidance or withdrawal. And I didn't see how much I have been passive-aggressive over the years deluding myself into thinking I was 'better' by taking some high road or not calling anyone on anything. I certainly didn't want to be called on my stuff. We were a 'nice' family that never talked about dirty laundry or questionable behavior towards each other--that was scary and shameful. We didn't go there.
Then I got a sponsor (also a friend) and I started from step 1. Yes, certainly part of my life and psychology is unmanageable (or at least not very functional in certain situations or with certain people). I used to be ashamed about my "problems" or challenges, hiding them at all costs, especially from my parents (even as an adult). So yeah, I'm powerless over parts of my life, certain people, their opinions of me, their reactions to me, and parts of myself.
Then step 2. Full stop. My negative experiences with religion and true believers as a kid put a block in me to anything smelling of god or higher power or being saved and whatnot. Fuck you and your higher powers, I don't want to be 'saved' and I don't trust you/it/he/them. This is partly why I turned to math/science. It took a while to let that go (as it was old and sabotaging in this context) and meditate on "a power greater than ourselves". This didn't need to be a divine entity or anyone else's image or belief or whatever. So maybe, maybe I could entertain the possibility that I (my little old self) didn't have full control (try as it might), and that maybe something beyond my ideas or even experience does. I can do that. Well, as a practice anyway. My default mindset is "I'm alone and have to do it alone and no one sees or cares", but I know where that's gotten me after 5 decades. So it's a practice to remember and act 'as if' there is a greater power. It would be conceited, presumptuous and silly to there isn't more/greater than me (which includes other people).
Step 3. What?? You mean I now need to act, actually make a decision, to turn over my life and will to that power?? That's a big ask for an intellectually-oriented self-control freak, ain't it? Well, unlike when I was a kid fearing I might go to hell if I didn't believe or if I sinned, this thing is up to me to do or not do for my own benefit (and unforeseen benefits around me). I asked my sponsor how he did it and he said he got on his knees and prayed for his life exactly as it was. I was speechless and almost reverent about my friend's ability to do that. A beautiful act of self-acceptance, self-love, humility, and gratitude which I haven't yet managed for myself. So this one is percolating, but when I act 'as if' I feel a relaxation, like "oh, I don't have to figure it all out myself? It's okay not to know much or even anything? Oh, yeah."
Step 4 so far seems like a swirl without much clarity. That's okay.
So I'm in the work. I guess it's working me.
Love to hear any shares or perspectives on your own 12-step journey (no need to say which). I'm particularly curious about steps 2, 3, 6, 7, 11 for those who might not identify with being religious or spiritual.
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