Twelve Step Work?

yyz67

Fractal Fanatic
Within the last couple months I finally tried out a couple different 12-step programs (Al-Anon, CoDA) realizing I have been much more affected by some things in my family (and my own 'coping' behaviors) than I had been comfortable really looking at and facing until now. My ego had kept me from things labelled 'recovery' as that might mean I was broken, but for some reason that shifted. I sat in on a few online groups feeling it out and the steps that really grabbed me were step 4 ("Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves") and step 8 ("Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all").

These two hit me square between the eyes like, oh shit, I haven't been really honest with myself nor with my immediate family, all in the guise of being agreeable, 'nice', 'loving', 'low maintenance', not boat-rocker and so on. I was (supposed to be) the 'good kid' and I didn't realize how that fucked with my self-esteem in positive and negative ways and how much I felt trapped by that role with very few emotional boundaries, short of avoidance or withdrawal. And I didn't see how much I have been passive-aggressive over the years deluding myself into thinking I was 'better' by taking some high road or not calling anyone on anything. I certainly didn't want to be called on my stuff. We were a 'nice' family that never talked about dirty laundry or questionable behavior towards each other--that was scary and shameful. We didn't go there.

Then I got a sponsor (also a friend) and I started from step 1. Yes, certainly part of my life and psychology is unmanageable (or at least not very functional in certain situations or with certain people). I used to be ashamed about my "problems" or challenges, hiding them at all costs, especially from my parents (even as an adult). So yeah, I'm powerless over parts of my life, certain people, their opinions of me, their reactions to me, and parts of myself.

Then step 2. Full stop. My negative experiences with religion and true believers as a kid put a block in me to anything smelling of god or higher power or being saved and whatnot. Fuck you and your higher powers, I don't want to be 'saved' and I don't trust you/it/he/them. This is partly why I turned to math/science. It took a while to let that go (as it was old and sabotaging in this context) and meditate on "a power greater than ourselves". This didn't need to be a divine entity or anyone else's image or belief or whatever. So maybe, maybe I could entertain the possibility that I (my little old self) didn't have full control (try as it might), and that maybe something beyond my ideas or even experience does. I can do that. Well, as a practice anyway. My default mindset is "I'm alone and have to do it alone and no one sees or cares", but I know where that's gotten me after 5 decades. So it's a practice to remember and act 'as if' there is a greater power. It would be conceited, presumptuous and silly to there isn't more/greater than me (which includes other people).


Step 3. What?? You mean I now need to act, actually make a decision, to turn over my life and will to that power?? That's a big ask for an intellectually-oriented self-control freak, ain't it? Well, unlike when I was a kid fearing I might go to hell if I didn't believe or if I sinned, this thing is up to me to do or not do for my own benefit (and unforeseen benefits around me). I asked my sponsor how he did it and he said he got on his knees and prayed for his life exactly as it was. I was speechless and almost reverent about my friend's ability to do that. A beautiful act of self-acceptance, self-love, humility, and gratitude which I haven't yet managed for myself. So this one is percolating, but when I act 'as if' I feel a relaxation, like "oh, I don't have to figure it all out myself? It's okay not to know much or even anything? Oh, yeah."

Step 4 so far seems like a swirl without much clarity. That's okay.

So I'm in the work. I guess it's working me.


Love to hear any shares or perspectives on your own 12-step journey (no need to say which). I'm particularly curious about steps 2, 3, 6, 7, 11 for those who might not identify with being religious or spiritual.
 
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I've danced the 12 step a time or two.... although I'm not very good at it. So that being said.... God please grant me the sanity to continue to deal with humanity and the wisdom to know my friend from my foe.

The steps, meetings, and sponsors work for some...not me. Neither did keeping track of exactly when I quit or anniversary dates. That just kept me living in the past and reliving things i regret. Best for me to move forward and not dwell on shit. Meetings....best place to start jonesing and making new connections. Works for some I guess.

What did work for me... people, places, and things. Dropped or changed them ALL. Sold my house, moved, and surrounded myself with people that don't use. Of course a geographic solution to a problem such as addiction is not usually the best answer. It was an important part for me tho.

Been 100% clean for years now. It still torments my dreams regularly. Addiction is a vile bitch...I named it Kamala. Lol

Best of luck
🤘😜
 
Meetings....best place to start jonesing and making new connections.
Hmm, dealing with some depression issues, I have to look at this thread as timely for myself, because if I'm being honest, my best times were when I was engaged with other people in similar situations, and that started for me via meeting those people in the rooms.

However, your comment is so true! It can be dangerous. After a DUI in 92, I was mandated to 5 meetings a week, but I soon met someone, and we were off to the races, so to speak, living a lie. I got in trouble and faced having to go back to court due to not satisfying the meetings requirement, but I had to explain that in most of the NA rooms, I felt more like using after I left! I once had to listen to a guy relate how he had relapsed the previous weekend, and blown $500 in 24 hours! I couldn't stand it. He talked for 20 minutes, and every other word was "you know." Awful.

So I told my counselor this, and they actually allowed me to hit the one meeting a week where I actually felt empowered every time I was there. The difference? This was a CDA (chemically dependent anonymous) meeting, and the people there were all coming from a place of positivity when they spoke, and many had serious clean time, some as much as 14 years.

My point is that they really can work, you have to be willing to possibly change certain attitudes you may have, and you have to find the best rooms for you, which usually seem to be the ones where people want to be there, genuinely wish to help you, and are positive in their attitudes. Not the ones where half the room is there for one thing only, which is to get their slip signed. Those don't work for me.
 
I am 27 years sober and go to meetings regularly. I had a friend who is a normie tell me that he is sometimes a bit envious of the tools we use to get our lives together and he thinks a lot of non-addicted people could benefit.

In the past couple of years I have started working with a new sponsor, a white man who is 75 years old and has 30 years sober, and early in sobriety was drawn to the Native American Red Road of Wellbriety. (He follows both programs.) He started working on learning those ways and has Sun Danced 16 times over the years. We both are still active in AA, but I am learning as much as I can from him, and do sweat lodges every month on the new moon. I am currently preparing to do a 4 day ceremony of a vision quest out on the mountain where he lives, which is basically a 4 day spiritual fast with prayer songs, meditation and I'm working on learning songs and soing prayer ties etc. Part of my prep was building a small personal lodge in my back yard, which I am doing personal lodge on or near the full moon every month.

So, I can definitely say that the 12 steps has changed my life, but even with 27 years in, I feel that I'm just starting to get to the best parts, at least for my personal growth.
 
I apologize if I end up writing a book here-

First, I have a book that I really, really think might resonate with you; The Science Of Mind by Ernest Holmes. It’s Religious Science without being religious and speaks of “God” or ”Allah” or the Universe, whatever you want to call it as consciousness, not a deity. That book has saved my life several times over and I‘ve bought at least 13-15 copies for friends and a couple strangers over the years. That book will walk you right through Step 4 while teaching you how to navigate what you want to keep and what you don’t want to keep once you’ve taken inventory of yourself. It doesn’t bring up the 12 steps or anything, it’s just what the book does, well, if you put in the effort it takes to do so.

Warning- if you’re squeamish with TMI/personal issues on the internet, I recommend skipping my post or jumping to the end. I learned a long time ago that being vulnerable will often create an open floor for someone else to feel comfortable enough to discuss whatever it is they’ve got going on. I’m also going to try to make this as short as possible, because this is the 3rd time I’ve written this post and I keep exceeding the character limit.

My parents had no business having a child when they did. My father was 24 and my mother was 16. It was 1981 and while it sounds crazy in 2021 terms, it was my grandparents on my mother’s side who pushed them together and no one thought anything of it. Shortly after I was born my father bailed to tour in a cover band. For the next 7 years I experienced every form of abuse there is, repeatedly and it was allowed to continue for the duration of those 7 years. My mother started making me cocktails when I was 6 because her and her friends thought it was hilarious that a little kid was drinking and getting drunk. My dad moved back when I was 8 and the physical abuse had stopped and mom stopped making me cocktails, but the verbal/mental abuse continued and took the place of all the physical-related stuff that was occurring before.

By the time I was 15, I was regularly smoking weed and I could hold my liquor better than most the adults I knew. I was often encouraged by some of the adults in my life to see how far I could actually push myself with the drinking and started blacking out regularly when I was around 16-17. Drugs were starting to make their way into my life so by the time I moved to Ft Lauderdale right before I turned 21, I was more than ready for all the cocaine I could my hands on easily. I started a band down here that started to find some success and this is when the promiscuity entered my life because there was never a shortage of willing participants. My life was just one big party. I was working in the restaurant business, surrounded by other people who were like-minded.

I never got angry or depressed when I was drinking, but sober, I had wild mood swings. I’d be happy as can be one moment and the next second be smashing everything and anything in sight. I had realized in my teens that I could manipulate people very easily and my anger was a form of that, for sure. I’d use it to control situations and get what I wanted. Around 23/24 I flipped out at work one day and after throwing a plate at a wall and ruining almost $5K worth of food being prepped while almost cutting the sweetest dishwasher I’ve ever met. My manager, who I am still great friends with today, hauled me in the office and called me out on EVERYTHING. She was a psych major who dropped out of college when she was offered a GM spot in the restaurant biz.

“Andrew; What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Doing. At heart I know you’re a good guy, but your actions go directly against that regularly. For two years I’ve watched you use anger to get your own way, I’ve heard the shit you say to the girls here, I know exactly what you’re up to and I know you’ve been through half my female staff. How many relationships have you broken up, Andrew? (I had a big thing for girls with boyfriends…more on that later) I‘ve heard all about what you get into outside of work and I know you’re not just drinking when you’re partying. I’m not going to fire you, even though you should be fired right now. You’re not to come back until you buy three books about self-improvement, anger management and meditation. You need to ask yourself WHY you do these things. I know you’ve experienced trauma and it’s none of my business until that trauma presents itself in this building.”

I was stunned. I had never been called out like that. I also had no inkling that my behavior could be linked to trauma and something about that sentence really hit me. So I did what she told me and once I started digging into these self-help/meditation/spirituality books, things changed FAST. Over the next month, my temper chilled out. The biggest thing I learned back then was how to separate myself from a situation and not put everything through a filter of my wants/desire. Viewing the situation with the absolute truth, not my perspective of the truth. I got a lot better with my anger and while the manipulation didn’t stop, I stopped using lies to do it…that kind of created a worse situation, because I learned how to manipulate people by using truth against them.

I didn’t stop drinking or partying, it only ramped up. The better I treated other people, the harder I’d abuse myself. I started using harder drugs more often and recklessly. A co-worker was giving me handlfuls of methadone for free (long story) and I was eating them like candy. That went on for 3 months until one day I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore, asked for a few days off from work and laid in bed withdrawing from methadone. That certainly didn’t put an end to my partying though.

It wasn’t until my late 20’s that I finally started getting angry/depressed when I was drinking and after I while, I realized I was drinking SO I could get angry. I was living in Massachusetts then and was with a really good woman who I was always faithful with and in one of those drunken angry nights, ended up unloading everything on her, all the abuse I experienced as a kid. She was extremely supportive and wasn’t scared by any of it and that was a major step in the right direction for me. She kept suggesting therapy but I was hellbent on fixing myself without help. It all came to a head when I went to my father and unloaded on him, asking him why he allowed all that to happen. Some of it he knew about, but a lot he had no clue. I mean, it’s not like my mom was telling him she was getting me shitfaced when I was 6 or how her boyfriends would kick the shit out of me, ya know? I understood the situation better and as a result, I found myself no longer wanting to drink.

It was slow, it took another year or so, but after a while I just had no interest in it. I would only drink socially after that and that hasn’t changed since. I stopped blacking out on purpose, I’d get to a certain point and then stop because I was fearful of my behavior if I would hit the blackout stage. Fast forward a few more years and I hit a really depressive state, I was really starting to beat mshelf up over not having a career, being 34 and having nothing to show for my life. My girlfriend and I split for a while and immediately, the drinking, drugs and promiscuity started up again. It scared me a bit because I did not want to turn into 24-year old me again, so I started the meditation up again and started doing some deep digging.

More to come below-
 
I was very much holding myself accountable for my childhood. There was this idea that if my own parents didn’t care, then I must REALLY be a piece of shit. I mean, I was told daily while getting my ass handed to me that I was a piece of shit who was ruining my mother and stepfather’s lives, so it was very much drilled into my head. Once I realized the absurdity of that, I was able to let it go. I still had to keep tabs on myself, because if I allowed it, I’d start tearing into myself pretty hard. I got back with my girlfriend, we bought a house and got engaged, I put myself through AC school and got a job with a great company, everything was moving up!

Marrying her and being accepted by her family was the highlight of my life. Her family is so damn amazing and taught me what family truly is. I had never felt so high. When I got back from the wedding trip, I got a huge promotion and went from being the entry level maintenance guy to running the entire campus I worked at. The pride I felt during this time was immense. In the back of my head, I knew if it all came crashing down, I’d be fucked and that became my worst fear.

4 months after the wedding, my wife came home one day and told me marriage was freaking her out and she wasn’t sure how to handle it. She said she wanted to work on it and we agreed to get into therapy. It hit me like a fucking wall. First therapy session the counselor tells us “He’s not the problem, this is the most supportive husband I’ve ever had in here, so I’m going to have one-on-ones with you, wife.” Over the next 17 months, my life became hell as my wife continuously escalated behaviors I never saw before in her and it wasn’t long before I suspected there was cheating going on. I begged her to ask me for a divorce if she wanted one and I wouldn’t fight it, but if she said she was wanted to make it work, I was all in. I stopped trusting my gut because I had so much faith and trust in her. That almost proved to be fatal because when I found evidence she was indeed cheating, I almost took myself out. I’ve long had suicidal thoughts, especially in my late 20’s, but I was now walking to my bedroom to actually do it and I still don’t know what turned me around and made me leave the house, but I did. Phew.

Thankfully, I had gotten into therapy about 3 months before this because I was internalizing the marital issues and I wanted someone to tell me how to shut my gut up. My gut was not wrong, only I was for not listening to it. It took a couple weeks to figure out the next steps; I called for a divorce, we were going to sell the house and go our separate ways. This Is when I really started leaning on Buddhist teachings in regards to embracing pain and that very much got me through that period. I stared my worst fears in the face and eventually, I was able to tell them to fuck off. I kicked up therapy to 3x a week and my meditation from once a day to 3x a day.

When I got my apartment, I did not allow anyone in it for 30 days. I did not drink, I didn’t go out, I didn’t hook up with anyone. I didn’t utilize a single vice I would have previously. Not only was I determined to never let anyone fuck with my head again, I wasn’t allowing myself to fuck with my head. Just last week, my therapist said it’s time we move on from the marriage and start addressing my childhood.

The marriage shit all went down on July 1st and in the weeks/months that followed, I started finding people with similar spiritual beliefs and these people have all played a major role in where I’m at right now. Initially, I wanted to close my heart off for good. It was the subject of many rants I’d go on until one night, a very dear friend of mine simply said “Then you’ll never get it back” and it hit me pretty hard. So I did the opposite; not only was I going to keep my heart open, but I was going to keep it open for everyone and anyone who needed it.

I did this in the form of interacting with everyone as if I wanted nothing but joy and happiness in their life and this turned into a magnet of positivity that snowballed. When I’d get down about the marriage, I’d leave me office and walk the property, talking to the tenants and really engaging with them. I’m going to get a little hippie here, but there were several instances where I had people come to me with some very big issues in their life that I was able to navigate them away from. People were randomly opening up to me about very personal issues and it very much confused me at first. As a result of this, I now believe I’ve found my purpose on this planet; to help people navigate those issues they might not be able to navigate on their own.

When I look back on the marriage and how I felt through it all, it’s becoming a distant memory. I no longer feel like that person. Eventually, I got closure on the marriage when my ex-wife finally told me the truth about everything and it turned out, I was spot fucking on the entire time. I wasn’t crazy like I thought I was. My gut and I get along pretty well these days.

I’m grateful for the absolute fucking disaster my life has been. Very grateful. I love the fact that I’ve had all that shit happen to me because it all got me to where and who I am right now. Throughout the years, when I’d let the meditation slip, my character slipped and I’d run into old patterns. I still meditate 3x a day, sometimes more if I need to. I haven’t been angry in months, not even perturbed. I know a lot of the things that happened to me were not my fault and I openly accept that I did do many things in life that were unsavory and hurt myself or others. In regards to me having a thing for hooking up with women who had a boyfriend, I felt I received a massive karmic payback for that, as my wife had been cheating with a co-worker. 98% of my hookups/relationships have been the result of me taking a girl away from her boyfriend. Needless to say, that behavior is over with and I don’t do anything these days that I feel may come back to haunt me.

Throughout all that, the Science Of Mind is what I’d always fall back on when shit was getting rough. It’d always carry me through to the next step and I won’t be putting that book down again. I plan on reading it over and over again until I’ve got it memorized. The therapy played a big part of it all, but I attribute 90% of my growth to that book. It only didn’t work for me when I didn’t allow it to.

I very much hope not to offend anyone here, I love and respect anyone’s beliefs if it works for them and provides them happiness, but I do not believe in a higher power, I believe we are all that power. Everything is born from consciousness, the table in your kitchen, the couch you’re on, the AxeFX, whatever, it’s all consciousness in physical form. Consciousness is omnipresent and omnipotent.

I hope some of this is helpful. I know I wrote a lot there, my apologies. I just know that sometimes hearing someone else’s experiences with bettering their own lives can be beneficial to others. I’ve been close to death at my own hand many times over the years and I’m no longer concerned that’ll be an issue again. I still have plenty of work to do, but I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my life. I still cut loose from time to time and have some drinks; my 39th birthday was last weekend and that was….debauchery. But no one was negatively affected by it (except my liver) and I ended up with a couple new friends after.

Good luck on your journey, brother. It can get scary when you start taking stock, try not to beat yourself up over it. You weren’t aware at the time that what you may have been doing was working against you. All that matters from this point is what you do moving forward and even if you fuck up and falter, it’s ok. We’re humans and we’re far from bulletproof. The more you devote to your self, the great the reward will be. Don’t hesitate to hit me up via PM if you want to discuss any of this privately.
 
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Man, I'm so sorry all that happened to you.
All respect for your work to get out in front of it, never ends.
Best to you.

No need to be sorry, brother! I’m thankful it all happened! I would not be where I am now if it weren’t for all of that and coming out the other side, finding love for myself, it’s created the strongest version of me I’ve ever been. I’m not infallible by any means, but I very much have a “Bring it on, fucker!” attitude towards life these days. If I didn’t kill me, nothing‘s going to.
 
Thank you for sharing your story. What you have made from the struggle should be an inspiration for anyone who is struggling for a solution.

I will look for the Science of the Mind, as it sounds like the type of thing that would interest me. I have also found that regular meditation helps me more than just about anything, and share similar views on consciousness, believing that what most refer to as a higher power is something that is inside of us all. It is not something that is easy to find though, and often takes walking through some seemingly insurmountable challenges, followed by deep introspection. People rarely start searching for a solution if everything is great, right?
 
I was very much holding myself accountable for my childhood. There was this idea that if my own parents didn’t care, then I must REALLY be a piece of shit. I mean, I was told daily while getting my ass handed to me that I was a piece of shit who was ruining my mother and stepfather’s lives, so it was very much drilled into my head. Once I realized the absurdity of that, I was able to let it go. I still had to keep tabs on myself, because if I allowed it, I’d start tearing into myself pretty hard. I got back with my girlfriend, we bought a house and got engaged, I put myself through AC school and got a job with a great company, everything was moving up!

Marrying her and being accepted by her family was the highlight of my life. Her family is so damn amazing and taught me what family truly is. I had never felt so high. When I got back from the wedding trip, I got a huge promotion and went from being the entry level maintenance guy to running the entire campus I worked at. The pride I felt during this time was immense. In the back of my head, I knew if it all came crashing down, I’d be fucked and that became my worst fear.

4 months after the wedding, my wife came home one day and told me marriage was freaking her out and she wasn’t sure how to handle it. She said she wanted to work on it and we agreed to get into therapy. It hit me like a fucking wall. First therapy session the counselor tells us “He’s not the problem, this is the most supportive husband I’ve ever had in here, so I’m going to have one-on-ones with you, wife.” Over the next 17 months, my life became hell as my wife continuously escalated behaviors I never saw before in her and it wasn’t long before I suspected there was cheating going on. I begged her to ask me for a divorce if she wanted one and I wouldn’t fight it, but if she said she was wanted to make it work, I was all in. I stopped trusting my gut because I had so much faith and trust in her. That almost proved to be fatal because when I found evidence she was indeed cheating, I almost took myself out. I’ve long had suicidal thoughts, especially in my late 20’s, but I was now walking to my bedroom to actually do it and I still don’t know what turned me around and made me leave the house, but I did. Phew.

Thankfully, I had gotten into therapy about 3 months before this because I was internalizing the marital issues and I wanted someone to tell me how to shut my gut up. My gut was not wrong, only I was for not listening to it. It took a couple weeks to figure out the next steps; I called for a divorce, we were going to sell the house and go our separate ways. This Is when I really started leaning on Buddhist teachings in regards to embracing pain and that very much got me through that period. I stared my worst fears in the face and eventually, I was able to tell them to fuck off. I kicked up therapy to 3x a week and my meditation from once a day to 3x a day.

When I got my apartment, I did not allow anyone in it for 30 days. I did not drink, I didn’t go out, I didn’t hook up with anyone. I didn’t utilize a single vice I would have previously. Not only was I determined to never let anyone fuck with my head again, I wasn’t allowing myself to fuck with my head. Just last week, my therapist said it’s time we move on from the marriage and start addressing my childhood.

The marriage shit all went down on July 1st and in the weeks/months that followed, I started finding people with similar spiritual beliefs and these people have all played a major role in where I’m at right now. Initially, I wanted to close my heart off for good. It was the subject of many rants I’d go on until one night, a very dear friend of mine simply said “Then you’ll never get it back” and it hit me pretty hard. So I did the opposite; not only was I going to keep my heart open, but I was going to keep it open for everyone and anyone who needed it.

I did this in the form of interacting with everyone as if I wanted nothing but joy and happiness in their life and this turned into a magnet of positivity that snowballed. When I’d get down about the marriage, I’d leave me office and walk the property, talking to the tenants and really engaging with them. I’m going to get a little hippie here, but there were several instances where I had people come to me with some very big issues in their life that I was able to navigate them away from. People were randomly opening up to me about very personal issues and it very much confused me at first. As a result of this, I now believe I’ve found my purpose on this planet; to help people navigate those issues they might not be able to navigate on their own.

When I look back on the marriage and how I felt through it all, it’s becoming a distant memory. I no longer feel like that person. Eventually, I got closure on the marriage when my ex-wife finally told me the truth about everything and it turned out, I was spot fucking on the entire time. I wasn’t crazy like I thought I was. My gut and I get along pretty well these days.

I’m grateful for the absolute fucking disaster my life has been. Very grateful. I love the fact that I’ve had all that shit happen to me because it all got me to where and who I am right now. Throughout the years, when I’d let the meditation slip, my character slipped and I’d run into old patterns. I still meditate 3x a day, sometimes more if I need to. I haven’t been angry in months, not even perturbed. I know a lot of the things that happened to me were not my fault and I openly accept that I did do many things in life that were unsavory and hurt myself or others. In regards to me having a thing for hooking up with women who had a boyfriend, I felt I received a massive karmic payback for that, as my wife had been cheating with a co-worker. 98% of my hookups/relationships have been the result of me taking a girl away from her boyfriend. Needless to say, that behavior is over with and I don’t do anything these days that I feel may come back to haunt me.

Throughout all that, the Science Of Mind is what I’d always fall back on when shit was getting rough. It’d always carry me through to the next step and I won’t be putting that book down again. I plan on reading it over and over again until I’ve got it memorized. The therapy played a big part of it all, but I attribute 90% of my growth to that book. It only didn’t work for me when I didn’t allow it to.

I very much hope not to offend anyone here, I love and respect anyone’s beliefs if it works for them and provides them happiness, but I do not believe in a higher power, I believe we are all that power. Everything is born from consciousness, the table in your kitchen, the couch you’re on, the AxeFX, whatever, it’s all consciousness in physical form. Consciousness is omnipresent and omnipotent.

I hope some of this is helpful. I know I wrote a lot there, my apologies. I just know that sometimes hearing someone else’s experiences with bettering their own lives can be beneficial to others. I’ve been close to death at my own hand many times over the years and I’m no longer concerned that’ll be an issue again. I still have plenty of work to do, but I’m happier now than I’ve ever been in my life. I still cut loose from time to time and have some drinks; my 39th birthday was last weekend and that was….debauchery. But no one was negatively affected by it (except my liver) and I ended up with a couple new friends after.

Good luck on your journey, brother. It can get scary when you start taking stock, try not to beat yourself up over it. You weren’t aware at the time that what you may have been doing was working against you. All that matters from this point is what you do moving forward and even if you fuck up and falter, it’s ok. We’re humans and we’re far from bulletproof. The more you devote to your self, the great the reward will be. Don’t hesitate to hit me up via PM if you want to discuss any of this privately.

Dooood!!! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
 
Got clean 12/30/2014 in rehab through NA. Nothing worked till I did it for myself, no one else. The most important thing I have today is my clean time, without I wouldn’t have everything I have now. Been married 22 years next month, my wife has been through it all. We have 5 kids ages 16-24 and they have seen it all too.
 
I very much have a “Bring it on, fucker!” attitude towards life these days. If I didn’t kill me, nothing‘s going to.
I'd be very careful with that attitude. I had a similar, "I got this now" outlook, and it greatly contributed to my going backwards. Now I'm much more open to the possibility that, "One slip, and down the hole we fall. It seems to take no time at all."
 
Thank you for sharing your story. What you have made from the struggle should be an inspiration for anyone who is struggling for a solution.

I will look for the Science of the Mind, as it sounds like the type of thing that would interest me. I have also found that regular meditation helps me more than just about anything, and share similar views on consciousness, believing that what most refer to as a higher power is something that is inside of us all. It is not something that is easy to find though, and often takes walking through some seemingly insurmountable challenges, followed by deep introspection. People rarely start searching for a solution if everything is great, right?

It certainly takes a lot of effort to cut past your own BS/ego, but once you do, you realize it’s all there and is plentiful, or, omnipresent. But it’s really the ego that keeps us away from it. We tend to think if we’ve navigated life to a certain point, we don’t need anything else helping us and we develop this ego around knowing we got there. The ego is a jealous, self-serving bastard. :D

There are a couple ways to silence the ego; finding gratitude in everything you do and experience is a MAJOR one. Even when the situation doesn’t work out the way you expected, be grateful for the experience. Removing expectations is another big one. Finding that right balance between optimism, hope and expectancy can be tricky for sure, but if you remain grateful about all you experience, you tend to stop expecting things to happen and just take them as they come. It makes the joys that much more joyous and the negative sides less invasive, because you didn’t have your hopes up to begin with. And if you’re grateful for even the bad things in life, well….it becomes a pretty easy ride.

Meditating, for me, is clearing out all the clutter that little prick leaves behind when I’m not meditating. :D

You‘re very correct though, people rarely search for this until they believe they’re broken. And I’m quite sure the aspect of giving yourself up to a higher power in the 12-step program is aimed primarily at relinquishing yourself from your ego. If we‘re successful by all modern agreements on what success means, why bother looking for more shit to work on? Though I do believe that’s changing. We’re starting to see mental and physical health being brought that much more to the forefront and along with that, the people who may have not felt quite right but ignored it may be that much more open to the idea of digging in and finding out why they feel that way.
 
Are you sure you don't want to just have a little respite and chill for a bit?? ;)

I'd be very careful with that attitude. I had a similar, "I got this now" outlook, and it greatly contributed to my going backwards. Now I'm much more open to the possibility that, "One slip, and down the hole we fall. It seems to take no time at all."

I mean that more in that I no longer have a “My worst fear in life”. The only fear I really have is not realizing my full potential as a person and a musician and the only one in control of that is me. In order for me to pull that off, there are a lot of things I will no longer allow in my life. Whether those are external or internal influences, I’ve experienced enough at this point to allow me to navigate away from them confidently and I no longer desire the things in life I used to desire.

This is very much a “You’d have to walk a mile in my shoes” thing, but I can assure both of you, if you experienced the things I have in life and had the attitude towards life I do today, you’d know where I was coming from. ;)

My only goals these days are to be the best Chief Engineer at work I can be (my company had my back during all of this, the day I found out about the cheating, my CFO was there in 15 minutes and didn’t leave my side until she knew I was good to go) filling my life with as much music as I can and helping people. I’m always open to new experiences but not too interested in re-living old ones. While my birthday weekend featured some debauchery, I was on vacation this entire week and had ample time, money and opportunity to carry it on, but instead I sat at home dialing in Gilmour tones and programming my FM9 because that was more fun to me than anything else. The birthday thing just happened to fall at the start of my vacation, which is the first time I haven’t been on-call 24/7 since last April.

I don’t even have the time to pull the shit I used to anymore.
 
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This is very much a “You’d have to walk a mile in my shoes” thing, but I can assure both of you, if you experienced the things I have in life and had the attitude towards life I do today, you’d know where I was coming from. ;)
I'm sure. Just from one to another, just trying to offer a thought to help.
but instead I sat at home dialing in Gilmour tones and programming my FM9 because that was more fun to me than anything else.
That right there is huge! And very telling that you're in a good place. When doing the "real" things that life has to offer are genuinely more desirable than those "other" alternatives, you know you're doing well!
 
Speaking of being careful with your expectations, and such, one of the most hugely disappointing things that happened to me when I was a teen, was when I couldn't go to a concert.
I was really close to my Aunt B. She is only 10 years older than me, and she was the one who's 45's I used to play when I was about 4 years old. She got married to a guy who became the "cool uncle." They both loved music. I learned that Eric Clapton was coming to the Capitol Centre, and got us tickets, even though my old man hadn't yet told me if I could go with them. "We'll see" was his answer. So I got the tickets anyway, wanting to get us good seats.
That fucker waited until the day of the show, until my Aunt & Uncle were at the house to pick me up, before he said, No. Oh man, I was so mad, and crushed! But then I pulled back into myself somehow, and wrote out a simple few words on a blank piece of paper, in the form of a Beatitude, that read, "Happy are they who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed." I tore it out of the paper and pinned it to my wall.
My father came in one day and read it, and asked what it was. Asshole didn't even make the connection.
I've tried to live by those words.
 
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