Dad Jokes

Got a really chuckle out of this one..


A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...
“Got any two watt bulbs?”
“For what?”
“That’ll do I’ll take two.”
“Two what?”
“I thought you didn’t have any.”
“Any what?”
“Ok then!”
 
Guy visits a used pet store, and tries to find a cute puppy for his girlfriend, who is quite beautiful.
The guy buys Bruce Sokolovic’s dog, and brings it to his girlfriend. He puts the puppy in a picnic basket, along with a bottle of wine, some cheese, a couple glasses, and a blanket draped over his arm.
When he visits his date., the woman (several years his elder) is surprised and asks what’s in the basket.
”A small gift that will symbolize our eternal love,” he replies.
”You didn’t…I can’t wait to see it…!” she exclaims…
The girl can hardly contain herself.
When the guy opens the basket lid, out pops the puppy, which jumps into the woman’s arm, licking her vigorously.
As all this transpires, the girl’s door shuts behind her, and both find themselves standing on the front porch, her keys indoors. Immediately, a thunderclap is heard, and it begins to rain.
What’s the moral of this story?
“When someone gives you a gift, but it’s not what you think it is, don’t knock yourself out in anticipation.”
 
Which is softer? Kleenex or Puffs? Reason I ask is because this past week, I got a flu shot, visited the dentist, cleaned our meeting hall, then had dinner with Mom. Sneezed for about 20 minutes straight this morning, but think I got it nipped in the bud. Heading to bed soon. Am wiped and will use the remainder of the evening in recovery mode. Remind me about the tea and cookies later.
 
A Christmas joke in Aug.
A guy got off his delayed flight and was driving home late Christmas Eve. He hadn’t purchased a gift for his wife yet and was desperately trying to find an open store. He sees lights in the distance and heads towards it. It was a pet store about to close, and he thought what the heck, it looks like it’s this or nothing. He goes in and asks the owner if they have anything he can get his wife. The owner said they’ve sold about everything, but they do still have a special parrot named Chet for sale. However, he really needs to close the store and get home to his family. The guy asks the owner what makes the parrot special, and the owner said that Chet sings a couple of Christmas songs. Just put a lighter under his right ball, and he’ll sing Jingle Bells. Put it under the left one, and he’ll sing Silent Night. The guy thinks a minute and says he’ll take him, it’s either Chet or nothing. He drives the parrot home, quietly enters the house and tries not to wake his wife. He gets Chet set up in his cage, and then it hits him he doesn’t know if the parrot will really sing or not. He grabs a lighter and puts it under the right nut, and the parrot sings “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way”! The man thinks, “this is great!”, and lights it up under the left one, “Silent night, holy night…”. The man thinks some more and wonders what he’ll do if he puts the flame under both of the parrot’s balls. So he lights it and the parrot sings, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire”!!!
 
Dad: "Please close the door after you enter."
Kid: "Why? It's warmer in here than it is outside."
Dad: "Your Mom just finished working in the kitchen."
Kid: "So turn on the AC."
Dad: "Were you born in a barn? Where are your manners?"
Kid: "I just finished sports practice, and I'm hot & sweaty."
Dad: "So close the door, go upstairs, and take a cold shower. Dinner in 45 minutes. End of discussion."
Kid: "Just remember, some day I get to pick which nursing home you move into."
Dad: "And until that day, in my house, you'll listen to and obey the rules. And if you're remotely lucky, you'll sample that wine I set aside for a special occasion."
Kid: "What occasion is that?"
Dad: "You finding your own place to live if you don't do as you're told. Scat."
Kid: "Oh, joy."
 
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