OK - The Story must be told, I’ve got a keyboard in front of me and I’m not afraid to use it:
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So we're in the studio tracking guitars one night, everyone’s in the Control Room with the Marshall 4x12 speaker cab in the Iso Booth. Steve puts on his Strat, plugs it in and we hear this faint "tick-tick-TICK!" sound. Wha? A "tick" every second with the third one being noticeably louder, then two seconds of silence. "tick-tick-TICK!" "tick-tick-TICK!" "tick-tick-TICK!" "tick-tick-TICK!" and it keeps repeating and repeating and...
I ask Steve to try facing in a different direction and (just like always with a Strat) the noise gets louder/softer with his compass heading (so I know it’s some kind of RF) but the "tick-tick-TICK!" is still there nevertheless. Time's a wasting, so “oh, screw it…” I cue the tape and hit RECORD – even though I can plainly hear "tick-tick-TICK!" about 30dB down. We rewind and listen back to the first take: nope, the damn "tick-tick-TICK!" is going to be A Problem – even at it's lowest level and even with the rest of the tracks in the mix. Jon thinks I’m being “too picky again”, but he’s a bass player and partially deaf in his left ear so I ignore him and tell Steve “it’s time to do some keyboards”. Thankfully, there’s no "tick-tick-TICK!" coming from the MIDI system and we track keys into the Wee Hours.
Next afternoon, it’s my Alone Time in the studio so I start chasing the "tick-tick-TICK!". I built the studio myself and the entire place is wired with Mogami/Canare that I did myself, and I know how to create a solid grounding scheme and I know how to solder and I know how to lift the shields at one end, etc., so once again I grab Steve’s Strat and plug it in – exact same signal chain, no changes from last night – except there’s no "tick-tick-TICK!"
crap.
“Well, OK – I guess that solves that!” I tell myself, although I know full-well that something like that going away by itself isn't really A Good Thing b/c it hasn't been officially solved, has it? Anyway, later that night everyone's back to cut yesterday’s guitar tracks, Steve straps on and plugs in the Strat and then "tick-tick-TICK!" DAMMIT! I send everyone out to the patio so I can spend the next 20 minutes going around the studio wearing the Strat myself and using it as (yep) “an antenna with strings” to figure out where the "tick tick TICK!" is coming from. It gets a little louder near the iso booth, but what could possibly be making such a defined "tick-tick-TICK!" sound every five seconds? Some kind of military radar sweeping past us every 5 seconds? As if – a radar that sweeps non-linearly? The alarm system malfunctioning? Conceptually, I have nothing to wrap my brain around.
Next night is Friday Gig Night for the band, so this time I grab a Tele and of course it’s "tick-tick-TICK!" "tick-tick-TICK!" "tick-tick-TICK!”. As before, it’s the loudest by the Iso Booth (East side of the building) and after just about killing myself tripping over the guitar cable for the sixth time I have the genius idea of grabbing the battery-powered Rockman and a set of cans, thus creating a Portable Antenna with Strings.
No doubt about it, the "tick-tick-TICK!" is absolutely the loudest on the East side of the studio, so I head outside (still wearing the Portable). As I walk out the front door I notice that the "tick-tick-TICK!" is clearly louder, and as I walk towards the East side of the building it’s louder still – but I have no clue as to where it’s coming from.
So I start walking down the street heading East, and sure as Hell the "tick-tick-TICK!" is getting louder and louder the further East I walk. As I get closer and closer to the East end of the street – and closer and closer to the main N/S thoroughfare (Shepherd Dr.) – the "tick-tick-TICK!" gets even LOUDER AND LOUDER while the stares I’m getting from people driving by seem to get weirder and weirder.
I finally dead-end into Shepherd and take a look to my left – and there I see it. Next to the car detailing place there’s one of those portable signs, about four feet high by six feet long on a small trailer bed, with a horizontal arrow on top. Imbedded into the arrow are five 100W light bulbs, and as I listen to the "tick-tick-TICK!" I can see that the lightbulbs are lighting one at a time in perfect sync to the "tick-tick-TICK!" – with the loudest “TICK!” at the end being the result of three lights flashing ON at the same time! EUREKA, I HAVE FOUND IT! I walk up to The Sign and pry the flashing arrow’s cover open just enough to peek inside and… lo and behold, there’s a motor-driven cam activating three 120VAC leaf switches that each arc like a motherfu… that arc strongly enough to kick out a seriously righteous broadband RF spike.
I quickly head back to the studio, take off the Strat et al, pick up a pair of cutters and dash back to “fix” the sign so that the arrow lamps remain lit 100% of the time – then back to the studio to cut Strat tracks all night long WITHOUT the "tick-tick-TICK!”.
TA-DAAA!