Kevin the Third Grader

[Mark's Tone]

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

LITTLE KEVIN SAYS: "I WANNA START OUT AS A ROCK STAR GUITAR PLAYER WITH MY AXFX, THEN BE A BILLIONAIRE, GO TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE CLUBS, FIND ME THE FINEST WHORE, GIVE HER A FERRARI WORTH OVER A MILLION BUCKS, AN APARTMENT IN COPACABANA, A MANSION IN PARIS, A JET TO TRAVEL THROUGHOUT EUROPE, AN INFINITE VISA CARD, AND ALL THE WHILE BANGING HER LIKE A LOOSE SCREEN DOOR IN A HURRICANE."


THE TEACHER, SHOCKED, AND NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS HORRIBLE RESPONSE FROM LITTLE KEVIN, DECIDES NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT HE SAID AND SIMPLY TRIES TO CONTINUE WITH THE LESSON . . . .


"And how about you, Sarah?"


"I wanna be Kevin's whore."

 

[Mark's Tone]

What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep
thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The
reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would
have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about
various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful
than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come
up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more
painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A
year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice
to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You
know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer.

 

[jjozwia]

Speaking of mowing the lawn...

 

[Mark's Tone]

Two blondes were driving down the road. The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

 

[Mark's Tone]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general…pathetically all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

“You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little shit on your lap.”

 

[Sixstring]

The said part about this joke is that some Third graders actually think this way.

 

[Mark's Tone]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?


Johnny: Seven

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?


A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fuckin' cat!!

 

[Hellbat]

Johnny's family didn't have much. Christmas was coming up so dad took his shotgun and managed to shoot a decent sized turkey for Christmas dinner. Mom did the best she could at cleaning the bird, but couldn't get all the birdshot out. The whole family enjoyed their best Christmas dinner in years.

The next day, Johnny's brother Billy yelled down from the bathroom "Mom! HELP! I was peeing and a BB came out" Their mom said not to panic, it would be okay.

Later on his little sister Annette had a similar problem. Again mom, reassured her that everything would be okay.

Later that evening when Johnny went to the washrrom and there was a great yelp and Johnny was yelling "Mom! Dad! Help!"

Mom shouted up the stairs, don't worry Johnny. Your brother and sister both had pellets come out when they were peeing too.

Johnny yelled down, "I wasn't peeing. I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

 

[Xrocker]

I was just cleaning it. I didn't know it was loaded!

 

[Rook]

A computer programmer was heading down to the shops when his wife said "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs get a dozen". He came back with a dozen loaves of bread.

 

[guitarded]

Little Johnny and his two brothers were getting pretty foul mouthed.
One day the mom gets completely upset and asked the father to do something about it!
The dad says NO PROBLEM! leave it to me. I will take care of it at breakfast in the morning!
The next morning all of them was at the breakfast table and the mom asked the first brother "what would you like for breakfast?"
The first brother says gimme some them #$#@ing cornflakes!
The dad grabs him and beats him mercilessly!
Then the mom asks the next brother "what would you like for breakfast?"
The second brother says gimme some them #$#@ing cornflakes!
The dad grabs him and beats him mercilessly!
Then the mom asks Johnny "what would you like for breakfast?"
Johnny says, "I don't know, but I sure as @%#! don't want none of them #$#@ing cornflakes!!!

 

[dpavel]

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.