Dad Jokes

Happy Thanksgiving I’m so full I can’t hardly move….o_O;):)

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it. :p:D
 
Freds55 said:
What did the pecan say to the Walnut

We’re friends because we’re both nuts lol🥜🥥🌰🍩🤖
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My boss today asked me if I'd like more work hours during the holidays.
I said, "I'd hoped to preserve my sanity..."
He said, "But you don't have any..."
I said that must mean I'm like everyone else.
He said, "How so?"
I said, "I must be unique, just like everyone else."
 
bleujazz3 said:
My boss today asked me if I'd like more work hours during the holidays.
I said, "I'd hoped to preserve my sanity..."
He said, "But you don't have any..."
I said that must mean I'm like everyone else.
He said, "How so?"
I said, "I must be unique, just like everyone else."
Click to expand...
My boss said, "Thanks for sharing..."

:rolleyes:
 
Waitress: "Can I get you a drink?"
Patron: "No thanks, I'm good."
Waitress: "No offense, sir, but there's a 2-drink minimum here."
Patron: "Duly noted. I don't need a drink."
Waitress: "Um, is there a reason why you're not drinking?"
Patron: "Yes, miss, see those two schleps sleeping at the bar? They're hoping to get lucky once you return from the kitchen, and ask them if they need a ride home."
Waitress: "Ew. Those two?"
Patron: "Yup."
Waitress: "But you're not drinking?"
Patron: "Yup. Actually, I'm the designated driver, and those two are obviously my drinking buddies when they need a ride."
Waitress: "I'm sorry I bothered you."
Patron: "You know, there is something you could do. What do you say we ditch those two schleps, and I take you out for coffee once your shift ends?"
Waitress: "What about those two schleps?"
Patron: "They'll still be here after I take you home. I can pick them up on my way home."
Waitress: "You're a good friend. Yeah, I'll take you up on that coffee."
Patron: "You can take my dinner plate, and I'll take care of my tab."
Waitress: "See you in a few minutes."
The Two Schleps: Gives Patron a thumbs up.
Patron: Walks over to the schleps. "Same time as last time, guys?"
Schleps: "Yeah, bro, thanks for driving tonight."
Patron: "I love you guys. You're the greatest wingmen known to mankind."
 
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