Would you help a stranger?

D

Dixiethedog

Experienced
I was out with Dolly (my little Jack Russell dog) just before, when a lady walked passed us (or around us) with her head down and looking very sad. As I walked homeward, I glanced back to see her sitting on a park seat, again with head down, hands on knees looking lost to the World. So I walked back. "Hello", I said and asked if everything was alright. She mumbled something in response so I asked if I could sit down with her. After a few minutes of gentle conversation, she told me that everybody always leaves her and she has nothing. To cut a long story down a bit, I told her that my wife was away and that I could understand the loneliness of being parted from somebody and I (kind off in a different level) understood things. She told me that she was not eating and not looking after herself but then told me that she would be OK and that I could go. In my head I was thinking, should I ask her back to mine and offer her something to eat, a hot drink, and maybe some company? I must stress that she is not a homeless lady as she mentioned her house, and I would imagine she has cash. But the sad thing is, because I am a man, asking a female back just looks so wrong to so many people. Even though my concern was for her well-being.

So back home I came. Some people might say that I am stupid to be concerned about a total stranger, which I understand, but I am genuinely worried about her.
I did introduce myself (give her my name) and she told me her first name, I asked her to say hello should she see me out and about with Dolly and I hope that she does. One of my friends committed suicide and he was in better spirits than this lady.

I am going to take a walk back now and see if she is still around and double-check on her. I would do the same if it was a man by the way.

But I am worried. Am I stupid? Am I soft touch and easily taken in?

I know that it is not guitar-related, so excuse me, but I think everybody needs a friendly face at least once in their life.
 
Sounds like you are one of the truly empathic/compassionate people on the planet (a good thing in my book). Many people might feel bad or guilty but do nothing, not even talk to them, much less offer more. Today's world is kind of f'd regarding loneliness and feeling like no one gives a shit. And mostly no one does for various reasons.

It's also a risk to interact with any stranger (much less take them in) whose true motivations and state of mind you don't really know. Bringing a stranger into one's home is on a different level, and if I had a partner/family, I would want to consult with them first because it is a shared home and you don't know the person. Also, being clear about boundaries (for yourself/wife ahead of time) is important as it's easy to get sucked into an open-ended situation (e.g. one-way emotional or financial dependence) that one didn't bargain for. A safer option might be to check on her as you feel is genuine for you.

I agree with Dave, you have a good heart. I empathize with loneliness and a feeling of abandonment and wish she and others in the world didn't have to be in such pain.
 
Always a plus to be compassionate. Also always a plus to be wise. Both appear to be at work here…. Compassion for her apparent situation, and wisdom for the warnings going off in your head.

The realities are that many people are hurting, and need outreach and a hand getting to a better place. The flip side of that is that it’s a slippery slope for a married man (or any man) and some folks struggling with the demons of life can learn to take advantage of that bad footing, intentionally or not.

Maybe there’s a female friend of your wife’s who could go with you to look in on her. Besides the obvious protections all around, two people helping can often offer more options than one. Whether you think it’s needed or not, that third wheel can level a lot of ground all around.

As a career cop and a husband, I can’t help but see the pitfalls waiting in such interactions. As a fellow human being, I commend your empathetic concerns. As you watch out for others, you must also watch out for yourself. Life in these times.
 
I'll help/look out for others, as far as they will help themselves. I admit I'm pretty minimal on my compassion for others so when i do try to help people, it's pretty significant. Something similar just happened at my work, the last hire we made ended up being a total train wreck of a guy.

Not long after starting, he separated from his 2nd wife and child (has 2 other kids from 1st marriage) so was dealing with that, his grandparents who owned the house he was basically squatting in (as he felt he shouldn't have to pay rent to his family) put the house up for sale and he ended up being evicted and going back to his parents which is 40km from work. For reference, where he was living was ~200m from work (not exaggerated).
Almost immediately he started calling in sick days almost every week. Initially because of his situation with kids and trying to get custody/separation agreements with lawyers etc., I accommodated him doing programming work remotely from home. I have kids and would hate to be in his position so was doing my best to help him make some money. So it turned out he put in 16 "work" hours but never actually did any work, this really pissed me off since i stuck my neck out for him and he flat out screwed me. The boss was away at this time so I had a blunt conversation with him saying if the boss found out about it, he'd be sacked on the spot, highlighted all the advantages he has with this job and his potential to do well and earn money and basically when you have most things going wrong in life, dont jeopardize the few good things.

Anyway the sick days continued, his work quality was awful and inconsistent. He had the skill to do the programming work but was just so lazy and unmotivated, despite having HUGE motivators in his life, I finally got fed up of trying to help the guy that I let him run his course. He's incredibly unhealthy and over weight so we found out quickly that he was useless for site work as he couldn't sustain the work pace and was over the load limit for most ladders etc. We lost tens of hours of labour time on jobs he was working as he was so in-efficient and time wasting. I told him he needed to start exercising and turn things around, he lived right next to a walking trail and i said all you need to do is set a 15 minute timer, walk in one direction and turn around when the timer goes off. Do that every weeknight and it will have a huge benefit, but no, wouldn't do it. He would often DRIVE to work, 200m distance! There was literally no helping the guy as he just wouldn't do the bare minimum for himself, such as turn up to work, take care of his health and so on, never mind provide for his kids. Then he'd complain about having no money, all the while buying energy drinks, takeout, fucking bobblehead collectibles! I just couldn't listen to the sob story any more.

He was on his 3rd and final probation extension with his last probation review on Jan 2nd, guess what? He called in sick. Final nail in the coffin, the boss fired him the next day. He had 56 days of absence during his 8 months employment. I haven't had more than 4 sick days in the last 10 years.

It never hurts to have a level of empathy and compassion for people but what I'm finding more and more is that often, people bring things upon themselves or exacerbate their situation but take no responsibility/accountability for it. I'm sure not all younger people are like this, however my experience over the last 7-10 years has consistently shown that certain age groups of people have horrendous work ethics, delusional expectations, lack of accountability and maybe worst of all, a victim mentality when it comes to facing consequences. If i put my hand out to help someone and they take it, i will help them to the fullest extent they act on it. When it appears that I care more about some ones position than they do and they do nothing to help it, then you're on your own.


"You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink"
- Some guy that had enough of peoples shit
 
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You did the appropriate thing. You sat with her and sometimes just a kind word can flip a person’s immediate thought process. Unfortunately in today’s world it would have been a bad idea for her to except to go to a strange person’s home. Not to mention how it could go south for you. Seems like your instincts are on point.
 
Just asking someone if they want to talk is a big kindness. They might not want to talk, but acknowledging that you SEE them and know they are in a rough place is meaningful. It's just too easy to walk by and pretend we don't see people in need. We always take a measured risk by interacting with strangers, but it's important to recognize that we actually see each other.
 
Heartening to see folks emphasizing wisdom as the flip side of compassion here. In my years, a lot done to be, or appear, "nice" often seems downright inadvisable whereas truly compassionate acts seldom seem so.

Having grown up around police work and social psychology violence research, I may see the downsides, but with my wits about me, I don't hesitate to offer an initial kind word. A specific cautionary note though, I have a young friend who let a seemingly trustworthy, in-need stranger use their phone while on a trip to a major city, and the stranger ran with the phone unlocked. Years later my friend is still dealing with the consequences of multiple identity theft incidents while trying to make her way through the world. Devastating consequence.

@Dixiethedog, since you asked, perhaps continuing the conversation in a public setting (if it felt safe) or a welfare check (provided the local welfare check agencies don't suck) might have been more prudent? Otherwise, cool that you likely made a neighbor's day? I'm not a particularly religious person, but I recognize that many leaders in social services and faith communities deal with the ethics of this kind of interaction daily that might offer further insight?

Happy Friday all!
 
Thank you one and all for your kind comments.

On reflection and having been thinking about this for almost a week, I have decided that if I see the lady in question again I will try to say hello and ask how she is, but to go no further.

We live in a small village, so seeing somebody here who looks like they need a helping hand stands out like a sore thumb to me. But I can't get involved on a personal level. It is not worth the risk, which I think is a crying shame in this day and age, but I don't want to open a can of worms that could end in a massive headache of a situation.

I was brought up to give up my seat for a lady, to hold a door open if somebody was entering or leaving, to say "Thank you" and to try to be courteous to others. It has nothing to do with religion (as I am not religious) but I would like to think it is all because I was taught good manners by my parents. So as mentioned above I be polite and well-mannered and just say "Hello..."

To continue with my good manners, thank you all once again for your input. Reading other people's thoughts and comments can make me see sense, which I think has happened in this case.
 
An example of kindness:

One prosperous year where there was more snow, a local friend who owns a plow truck would plow his route and on the way home, try to spot folks who were struggling to dig out with shovels.

He'd pull up alongside the road and ask, "Would you like me to plow you out?" They would say, "Thank you," and my friend would spend whatever remaining gas tank he had on plowing less fortunate people of their driveways. They'd ask, "How much do we owe you?" He'd say, "Nothing. I'm a member of "such and such" and we do this for people that could use some help."

When he got home, he'd ask his wife who rode shotgun, "How much did we make today?" The wife calculated, "Besides your regular route, you spent about ⅓ of a tank on non-paying people. You made a bunch of new friends, but extra money? Nope."
 
I don’t see anything wrong in what you did: you took care of her, you gave her a way to express her needs. I usually ask myself: “and if I was on the opposite part?” “If I should have in need of something, what I would like other people do to/for me?” Unfortunately people always go fast nowadays, without looking at the others (even if they need something), often thinking that it could be dangerous to talk with the others… as I said, sometimes I had to repeat myself that “the other” one day or another, could be me…
 
An example of what could happen:

Once while working as a coffee barista at a local gas station drive-thru, a young woman who seemed honest but experienced anxiety issues befriended me and we struck up a conversation. It seemed she could have used some help at home, so an offer to bake her a tray of lasagna was made. The tray was cooked and frozen, and delivered to her apartment door.

Two days later, my boss asked me into his office and asked about the lasagna. I said it was done with no bad intentions and was merely an act of kindness, because the woman truly seemed in need.

The boss within 5 minutes said that because the woman's husband had asked about this, the boss considered me an insurance liability, and he needed to furlough me. I literally cried because not only did this seem very unjust, it just deprived me of my livelihood.

The boss was firm. He said that although my intentions were good, I acted on my own from my workplace, while representing my workplace, and that's why he let me go. It was unprofessional on my part.

Well.

I gathered up my belongings and vowed to myself never to visit my former workplace ever again. So unjust was this treatment, every time my former boss and I cross paths, I am thankful for my current job (22 years now) and realize that the boss was only covering his butt from a potential lawsuit that was only vaguely threatened, but was likely made to protect a very jealous husband from someone who did not know the young woman was previously married. The young woman never resurfaced publicly.

The moral is: Sometimes temptations can lead you into wrongdoing, whether you are aware of it or not. Just know that when someone asks you for a favor, perhaps a cup of tea and listening ear is all you'd best offer. Don't fire up the grill and toss on the cheeseburgers, you don't know what you're getting into.
 
GitGuy513 said:
I don’t know if this is a phrase known worldwide, but “No good deed goes unpunished” has happened to me more than a few times. Still hasn’t dissuaded me so far.😉
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The only thing that might dissuade me is realizing whether a person is asking for help, or if I were providing unsolicited help.

There was recent article in a newspaper advise column that spoke about this:

The person just needed someone to unburden themselves to. They were not looking for a solution, and felt that trying to find one didn't allow the speaker to process their emotion or grief. The person who wrote to the columnist (the problem solver) said she felt her friend wasn't trying to find closure, merely talk about her problems.

As much as I try to be non-judgmental and just listen to someone talk or vent, there is an emotional toll that it takes on the listener. They feel powerless to help unless both aren't actively trying to solve the speaker's problem.

Truthfully, each of us has this engrained in us, the male counterpart is often viewed as the person who tries to fix or repair something that is broken, or brainstorm possible solutions that could be selected for feasibility and additional factors.

OTOH, the female counterpart often just needs someone who will listen to them when they speak. And not judge nor try to fix something for them. TBH, my life has been one huge series of trying to solve problems for people, but invariably, someone will complain or find a new problem for a solution that has already been provided.

Forgive me if I seem cynical in this way, yet "talk" IMHO only helps people process their vested emotions, not solve problems. If the OP felt a need to help someone, the first thing I might ask him is, "What did the person want to do?"

Displaying kindness is one thing, as if helping people see that life is not all that bad if you open their eyes to what's closest to them. Connecting with people can be challenging. Sometimes just starting a conversation can be the gateway to providing that help.
 
short answer to the title question: No, I would not engage unilaterally with a total stranger based solely on my perception of their mood / demenor.
 
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sprint said:
short answer to the title question: No, I would not engage with a stranger based solely on my perception of their mood / demenor.
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Safer to approach and ask from a distance than try to get too close. Things can go wrong quickly. Agreed to not engage based solely on your own perception. You don't know if the original person is truly alone, or is truthful in what they say.

Case in point: Would you approach someone you'd not met before in a grocery store and ask them if they could hand you a drink from the checkout line cooler? Might be a way to start a conversation, but not experience the same results the OP did.

Regards the OP, it sounded like the person speaking needed a friend to talk to. Not someone they didn't know well. Therein could be an important factor.
 
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