Dad Jokes

[bleujazz3]

Three engineering students were making the way across campus one day, discussing the human body.
The EE student said, "Look, if a higher power made the human body, it must have had knowledge about electrical engineering. I mean, the brain with it's billions of neural synapses, the nervous system, the autonomic system..."
The ME student said, "Nah. The higher power must have had mechanical engineering knowledge. Consider the way bones and muscles work together with ligaments and tendons...physics and use of levers, rotational dynamics in action!
The CE student said, "Sorry, guys, you've got it all wrong. The higher power must have had civil engineering knowledge. I mean, who else would put a drainage pipe through the middle of a recreational area?"

 

[fcs101]

Lock up your puppies!!!

 

[fcs101]

Nothing tops a plain pizza.

 

[fcs101]

Q: What's the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?

A: One sells watches; the other watches cells.

 

[bleujazz3]

Nothing tops a plain pizza.

How does one answer a rhetorical question?

 

[fcs101]

How does one answer a rhetorical question?

Isn't that obvious?

 

[bleujazz3]

Isn't that obvious?

Paging Mr. Smoker, please, Richard Smoker?

 

[fcs101]

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

 

[fcs101]

Paging Mr. Smoker, please, Richard Smoker?

That sounds like a you problem.

 

[bleujazz3]

That sounds like a you problem.

Sounds like you got diddly-squat done yesterday.

 

[fcs101]

Sounds like you got diddly-squat done yesterday.

Q: What's a lazy person's favorite exercise?

A: The diddly squat.

 

[fcs101]

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny, but occasionally a one-line will make me snort.

 

[fcs101]

Q: How can you tell the difference between male and female ghosts?

A: Boooobies.

 

[fcs101]

Q: What is Sisyphus' least favorite band?

A: The Rolling Stones.

 

[bleujazz3]

Q: What's a lazy person's favorite exercise?

A: The diddly squat.

So, feeling a little naughty the other day, me and the gals from my car group sauntered into Starbucks for our mid-morning break.

The gals ordered grande lattes, but I, feeling a tad naughty, ordered a...frappuccino. Lord forgive me.

 

[bleujazz3]

That sounds like a you problem.

It's actually what happens just after you give me the ball, Cole.

 

[bleujazz3]

I rarely find cocaine jokes funny, but occasionally a one-line will make me snort.

You have not yet heard? Some smart entrepreneur is now marketing cannabis jello gummies in 4 decorative shot glasses.

He calls them, (best Mr. Obvious voice) "Pot Shots 4 Gummies."

His follow up line of product will be "Pot Shots 4 Gummies Pt. Deux."

 

[bleujazz3]

This morning I was feeling a bit chilly with fever, so I took my temperature with a standard oral thermometer. The reading said I was "Nermal," so I just disregarded it and went about my morning.

 

[bleujazz3]

The maintenance crews were about their business this morning; mowing lawns and using leafblowers to collect mown grass.

I thought to ask the line boss if one of the crews might toss some of the lawn clippings onto my garden area out back.

His reply was, "Ah, sorry, sir, can't do that. Last time we were here another apartment dweller asked something of the same, and ended up in the hospital. We can't be responsible when residents enjoy too much of a good thing."

I frowned and turned around, shook my head and looked skyward. "Has the entire world gone nuts?" Bunch of fracking nuts!

 

[fcs101]

Q: What do you call someone who eats candy with both hands?

A: Ambidextrose.