... the CIA is beaming LF waves into your head at this very moment...
I like how Cliff put this in there to throw us off the scent.
You should know that the LF waves are actually emanating from your Axe-Fx. That's what this whole thing is about!
Cliff and his co-conspirators (such as Mr John Petrucci) are actually agents for an organisation that is far above the CIA, and they intend to control the minds of musicians for the purpose of world domination.
Didn't you ever wonder why someone would sell something as amazing as the Axe-Fx for such a relatively small price, or that human technology could even produce such a device in the first place? And the free firmware updates are just a way of getting us all to install the latest set of commands, ready to be beamed into our heads whilst we're distracted by all of the new and incredible tones.
Mr Petrucci's part in this is that his alternate picking technique actually synchronizes your brain waves to put you into a hypnotic trance so that the programming is better received by your subconcious mind.
The cats know about all this. That is why they choose to sit upon the Axe-Fx: They are protecting their owners by absorbing the dangerous frequencies.
Things have gotten even worse with the most recent firmware. The Axe-Fx is now able to transmit its signals even when disconnected from the power supply. The only temporary fix for this is to open it up and snap all the voltage regulators off the board.
There is only one hope left for us all. The Klon Centaur contains a small amount of matter from a collapsed star in its drive circuits. Because the Axe-Fx models are so incredibly accurate, if it were to be included in a preset, then the tones it would put out would create scalar waves which would then neutralize the trojan LFOs and restore peace to the planet. This is the real reason that the Klon will never be included in any future firmware updates!
(I am, of course, only joking. I would not normally feel the need to state this, but after the events of the last few days, I think it's probably best, just to be on the safe side!)