Dad Jokes

[Freds55]

How do you socially distance while around family? A high-fiber diet. Lol

 

[TravisG406]

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If nothing sticks to Teflon how do they stick it to the pan?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?

 

[fcs101]

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Cat Scan!

 

[unix-guy]

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If nothing sticks to Teflon how do they stick it to the pan?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Those sound like Steven Wright. His stuff is so good!

 

[TravisG406]

Those sound like Steven Wright. His stuff is so good!

They do, I just remember them from some emails my dad received back in the day from coworkers - not sure of origin

 

[Toopy14]

Those sound like Steven Wright. His stuff is so good!

You mean like, if a piece of buttered bread always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, when you drop it. What happens if you strap a piece of buttered bread to the back of a cat and drop the cat?

 

[Freds55]

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
I told him my dogs don’t even own bikes.

 

[unix-guy]

You mean like, if a piece of buttered bread always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, when you drop it. What happens if you strap a piece of buttered bread to the back of a cat and drop the cat?

Exactly!

Or:

Why do we park on a driveway but drive on a parkway?

Or:

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

 

[Toopy14]

Exactly!

Or:

Why do we park on a driveway but drive on a parkway?

Or:

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

"My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH"

"I'm actually writing a short story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon."

--Steven Wright

 

[fcs101]

Q: Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

A: He was too far out!

 

[Freds55]

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse. Lol

 

[TSJMajesty]

Oh man, some of these are so horrible, but I love em!!
Especially the Steven Wright one about buttered bread strapped to a cat! That was laugh-out-loud funny.

"Me and a buddy decided to drive to Canada, and share the driving. He'd drive a mile, then I'd drive a mile..."
"When we crossed the border they asked if we had any firearms. I said, "Why, what do you need?""
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."

 

[Freds55]

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?

One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

 

[Toopy14]

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

― Steven Wright

 

[Toopy14]

Okay, last ones…there’s soooo many!

https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/181771.Steven_Wright?page=1

If you’ve never seen Steven Wright perform, Google some Carson or Letterman episodes that he appeared on…his delivery is like no other!

“Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? ”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

—Steven Wright

 

[unix-guy]

his delivery is like no other!

Absolutely!

 

[Axehole]

Steven Wright? Count me in:

If you're driving at the speed of light and turn on your headlights, would anything happen?

When I woke up in the morning, my girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said No, I made a few mistakes.

 

[Freds55]

Why did the robber jump in the shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway. Lol

 

[Xrocker]

Steven Wright? Count me in:

If you're driving at the speed of light and turn on your headlights, would anything happen?

When I woke up in the morning, my girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said No, I made a few mistakes.

I bought a helicopter but my yard was too small to land it so I just tethered it to the house.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I bought a camouflage suit. I took it off and now I can’t find it.

 

[Xrocker]

My favorite Steven Wright line ever.
Probably the most profound words ever spoken by man.

‘Experience is that thing you get right after you need it.’