I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)
Last night, it was so cold; the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)
Mahatma Ghandi was a very special man. He walked everywhere, and that gave him bunions and very tough soles of his feet. Because he walked so much, he was of slight stature and somewhat frail. Also because he ate very little food, his breath was extraordinarily bad. Do you know what that made him? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A little girl goes to the doctor and says, “I don’t feel good.” The doctor looks at her and she’s got a peanut up one nostril, a string bean in her ear, and broccoli in her hair. Doc steps back, and says, “Well, it’s obvious. You’re not eating right.”
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. The waitress asked, “What’ll you have?” So I said, “I can have breakfast anytime? Can I order the French toast during the Renaissance?” (Steven Wright)
