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Dad Jokes

DaveO

Fractal Fanatic
Did ya find that online? My Dad's lithograph resides in my room, and is a constant reminder that when thing look bleak, toss the usual ideas over your shoulder and try again.
That artwork is very cool, lots of detail in it, so your fathers artwork? It reminded me of my pop's, and my career in late 80's and yes it was online.
 

bleujazz3

Fractal Fanatic
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?

She expected some change in the weather.:cool:😆
Only thing different I did today after work was arrive home, change clothes, make a drink, and sit in front of the computer. Oh, and spot-shampooed a kitchen rug. Other than that, am enjoying comparable peace and quiet, no TV, no radio, no music playlists. Will be heading to bed in a few minutes. For my own sanity, it makes sense that a busy day requires time to unwind and relax.

P.S. thanks to @DaveO for the imported TV/antenna joke. That one went over well at work.
 

bleujazz3

Fractal Fanatic
That artwork is very cool, lots of detail in it, so your fathers artwork? It reminded me of my pop's, and my career in late 80's and yes it was online.
Yeah, it might actually have been a sketch artist's (George Finley) rendering of Dad sitting in his office at Army Reserve camp during one of his summer stints in New Jersey. The camp commander might have done this as a reward/moral booster for his officers when they did their summer training. Dad brought it home and didn't display it anywhere at home, but we found it after he'd passed among his military mementos. Mom sold his pins, badges, uniforms and other memorabilia to a military antiques collector, as well as his rifles, pistols, and hunting items. Mom and I didn't want weapons in the house where someone could gain access to them, so they were sold to the antiques collector.

'Where the Action Is' is one of the few remaining items that belonged to my Dad. I've got others, but this one I regularly glance at above my study desk.
 

bleujazz3

Fractal Fanatic
Well, I think I'll do the smart thing and stay out of trouble the remainder of the evening. I'm just happy to say, I'm still alive and kicking. Unless for some silly reason one of my socks gets lost in the washer/dryer again, I'll be a happy camper until tomorrow, and then some.
 

DaveO

Fractal Fanatic
Yeah, it might actually have been a sketch artist's (George Finley) rendering of Dad sitting in his office at Army Reserve camp during one of his summer stints in New Jersey. The camp commander might have done this as a reward/moral booster for his officers when they did their summer training. Dad brought it home and didn't display it anywhere at home, but we found it after he'd passed among his military mementos. Mom sold his pins, badges, uniforms and other memorabilia to a military antiques collector, as well as his rifles, pistols, and hunting items. Mom and I didn't want weapons in the house where someone could gain access to them, so they were sold to the antiques collector.

'Where the Action Is' is one of the few remaining items that belonged to my Dad. I've got others, but this one I regularly glance at above my study desk.
Last week, Alex and Ann went to a restaurant for dinner in Albert Road,
Southsea. They scanned the menu, then promptly ordered two steaks.

The waiter duly brought the steaks with fries and salad. Alex quickly
picked out the bigger steak for himself

Ann was decidedly unhappy about that, 'When are you going to learn to be
polite, Alex?' she complained.

Alex responded by asking, 'If you had the chance to pick first, which one
would you pick?'

'The smaller piece, of course,' replied Ann.

'Then what are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you
want, right?' Alex concluded.
 

bleujazz3

Fractal Fanatic
Last week, Alex and Ann went to a restaurant for dinner in Albert Road,
Southsea. They scanned the menu, then promptly ordered two steaks.

The waiter duly brought the steaks with fries and salad. Alex quickly
picked out the bigger steak for himself

Ann was decidedly unhappy about that, 'When are you going to learn to be
polite, Alex?' she complained.

Alex responded by asking, 'If you had the chance to pick first, which one
would you pick?'

'The smaller piece, of course,' replied Ann.

'Then what are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you
want, right?' Alex concluded.
The husband and wife were eating dinner at a 4 star restaurant, and the evening was going fine, except for the following where the husband had call to speak:
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."
The waiter, not missing a beat replied rather stuffily, "Ah, sir, is he drinking much?"
The husband, now miffed, barked, "NO. He's doing the backstroke. Could you bring me a new bowl of soup, please?
The waiter sniffed, "Of course, sir," and the waiter went to the kitchen to retrieve a new bowl. Minutes later, the waiter returned and said, "I'm sorry sir, but we're now sold out of the soup you requested. Would you care for a sandwich instead?"
The husband, irritated, quietly said, "Yes. A club sandwich, turkey and bacon on rye, lettuce, tomato, hold the mustard."
The waiter smiled and said, "Very good, will be back with your sandwich."
After what seemed like the better part of 45 minutes, the waiter returned with the sandwich.
Upon inspection, the husband noticed mustard in the sandwich.
The husband called the waiter back over.
"Uh, excuse me, but didn't I ask you to hold the mustard? Please bring what was ordered, or I'll need to speak to your boss."
The waiter appeared nervous and quietly said, "Y-y-yes, sir."
Minutes later the chef shows up at the table with the waiter behind.
The chef said, "Sir, my apologies regards your order. What was it again so I can make it correctly for you?
The chef's and husband's eyes met. The husband said, "Mom! When did you start working here? Can you make me a sandwich?"
The chef replied, "Of course, dear, and what do you say when you'd like something?"
The husband said, "Mmmm. Please?"
The chef said, "That's the correct way. Poof. You're a sandwich."
 

DaveO

Fractal Fanatic
The husband and wife were eating dinner at a 4 star restaurant, and the evening was going fine, except for the following where the husband had call to speak:
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."
The waiter, not missing a beat replied rather stuffily, "Ah, sir, is he drinking much?"
The husband, now miffed, barked, "NO. He's doing the backstroke. Could you bring me a new bowl of soup, please?
The waiter sniffed, "Of course, sir," and the waiter went to the kitchen to retrieve a new bowl. Minutes later, the waiter returned and said, "I'm sorry sir, but we're now sold out of the soup you requested. Would you care for a sandwich instead?"
The husband, irritated, quietly said, "Yes. A club sandwich, turkey and bacon on rye, lettuce, tomato, hold the mustard."
The waiter smiled and said, "Very good, will be back with your sandwich."
After what seemed like the better part of 45 minutes, the waiter returned with the sandwich.
Upon inspection, the husband noticed mustard in the sandwich.
The husband called the waiter back over.
"Uh, excuse me, but didn't I ask you to hold the mustard? Please bring what was ordered, or I'll need to speak to your boss."
The waiter appeared nervous and quietly said, "Y-y-yes, sir."
Minutes later the chef shows up at the table with the waiter behind.
The chef said, "Sir, my apologies regards your order. What was it again so I can make it correctly for you?
The chef's and husband's eyes met. The husband said, "Mom! When did you start working here? Can you make me a sandwich?"
The chef replied, "Of course, dear, and what do you say when you'd like something?"
The husband said, "Mmmm. Please?"
The chef said, "That's the correct way. Poof. You're a sandwich."
You accidentally get locked inside your bathroom, which is full of mosquitoes.

The mosquitoes keep trying to bite you but, just as you start trying to swat them, you realize that they may become your only source of food as the time inside this small bathroom wears on.

You also realize that you are the mosquitoes’ only source of food and they will die if you stop them from drinking your blood, possibly depriving you of food in the future. So you take off your clothes, sit tightly on the toilet with your eyes clenched, and suffer mosquito bite after mosquito bite, just to fatten up the darned insects, so that you will have something to survive on when you begin to starve to death in a few days.

Then, a couple hours later, when you’re covered in mosquito bites from head to toe, your buddy Ralph comes by and unlocks the bathroom door.

Moral: Do not lock yourself in a bathroom.
 

bleujazz3

Fractal Fanatic
You accidentally get locked inside your bathroom, which is full of mosquitoes.

The mosquitoes keep trying to bite you but, just as you start trying to swat them, you realize that they may become your only source of food as the time inside this small bathroom wears on.

You also realize that you are the mosquitoes’ only source of food and they will die if you stop them from drinking your blood, possibly depriving you of food in the future. So you take off your clothes, sit tightly on the toilet with your eyes clenched, and suffer mosquito bite after mosquito bite, just to fatten up the darned insects, so that you will have something to survive on when you begin to starve to death in a few days.

Then, a couple hours later, when you’re covered in mosquito bites from head to toe, your buddy Ralph comes by and unlocks the bathroom door.

Moral: Do not lock yourself in a bathroom.
So'k, I cook in a kitchen, eat in a living room, poop in a bathroom and sleep in a bedroom. And have outlet bug zappers that weed out the mosquitos, flies and gnats. Am prepared, not heading to the rainforest...
 
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