Dad Jokes

[fcs101]

If you commit first degree murder in Canada, is that thirty-four degree murder in the US?

 

[bleujazz3]

So I clutched my teddy bear and asked God if people were just stringing me along until they found something else. The phone rang. The caller said, "Don't hang up just yet, I'd like to ask you a question." My reply was, "What's the question?" The caller said, "Would you like to invest in a sure thing that provides guaranteed high paying returns?" "Click."

 

[Freds55]

What do you call a tuna in a tuxedo?​

Fancy Feast. Lol

 

[fcs101]

Q: What do you call a paper airplane that doesn't fly?

A: Stationary.

 

[Freds55]

What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?

Swing.

 

[Freds55]

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.

We’re a cover band. Lol

 

[fcs101]

My grief counselor died the other day...he was so good at his job, I don't even care.

 

[fcs101]

Q: What do you call an apology written in dots in dashes?

A: Remorse code.

 

[Freds55]

What do you have to do to win gold at the weather forecasting competition?

You have to beat the raining champion!

 

[DaveO]

Did you hear Snoop Dogg got Rheumatoid Arthritis?
His joints were inflamed!

 

[DaveO]

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore...
I just bought a TV & it said "Built in Antenna". I don't even know where that is.

 

[DaveO]

A well stole my vacuum cleaner recently...
I showed my friend a picture and he sent "well that sucks"

 

[fcs101]

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda fix the plumbing is here!

 

[fcs101]

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a large vocabulary?

A: A Thesaurus.

 

[fcs101]

Q: Why are pregnant horse faster than other horses?

A: They have twice the horsepower.

 

[bleujazz3]

Q: Why should you never ask a young music teacher if she offers private guitar lessons?

A: You don't want her to be your tutor, unless she can conduct both you and herself accordingly during your study lessons.

 

[Freds55]

I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did!

Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.

 

[Freds55]

Have you heard the one about the runaway horse?

It’s a terrible tale of WHOA!

 

[Freds55]

What sort of horses come out after dark?

Nightmares

 

[bleujazz3]

A wise man once told me,
"The reason we are born with 2 ears and 1 mouth is because it's twice as important to listen than it is to speak."