Cliff's Reviews: Ad Astra

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Synopsis: An insult to intelligence.

Full Review:
Ad Astra is a sci-fi romp with an all-star cast. Set in the near future where space travel is commonplace and Tom Brady has just won his 27th Super Bowl Ad Astra chronicles mankind's struggle against "anti-matter bursts" that just happen to be aimed exactly at earth from a space station orbiting Neptune.

Brad Pitt stars as, uh I forget but I think his name is Capt. Leroy "Hot Dog" Zanzibar. Anyways Capt. Brad is the coolest dude to ever don a pressure suit. Even cooler than Tom Brady. This is illustrated to us in the opening sequence where, despite space travel being ubiquitous, the world is building a 10 mile high antenna and Capt. Brad falls off and his pulse never rises above that of one of the zombies in World War Z.

Because Capt. Brad is cooler than the other side of the pillow SPACECOM recruits him to travel to Neptune to stop the bursts. In a "twist" the captain of the space station is none other than Tommy Lee Zanzibar, Capt. Brad's dad.

To get to Neptune requires traveling to the moon, then to Mars and then to Neptune. So Hot Dog travels to the moon where he meets up with Donald Sutherland for some reason. Capt. Brad and Keifer's dad have to travel to the other side of the moon to get to an awaiting rocket. But, oh-oh, space pirates... And they have Star Wars blasters. A car chase ensues but because Capt. Brad is so cool he calmly collects a blaster from the dead driver and kills most of the bad guys. They then do a Dukes of Hazzard jump into a moon crater and spin out to elude the last of the baddies.

Donald Sutherland has a heart attack and that's the last we see of him. Hot Dog travels to Mars where things get intensely boring for a while. They try to communicate with the space station and for some reason to do this you need to sit in an anechoic chamber and send the message live. With all the technology they've apparently forgot how to record audio. SPACECOM decides that Capt. Brad is now suddenly unsuited for the mission that they handpicked him over a million other candidates for. Undaunted he sneaks into the rocket just as it's lifting off by crawling over the thrust nozzles. Because he's so cool he's immune to the 10,000 degree temperatures.

The crew of the rocket is ordered to stop Capt. Brad but due to sheer incompetence they manage to kill themselves. On the way to Neptune they happen upon a research vessel sending a distress signal. The research vessel is doing biological research because, uh, errr, the best place to do this is halfway between Mars and Neptune for some reason. Capt. Brad and the only surviving member of the crew enter the research vessel and the other guy is killed by a rabid space baboon. No this is not a joke. Or maybe it was a mandrill.

Hot Dog finally arrives at Neptune and takes a small craft to the space station. He meets up with Daddy Zanzibar and talks him into coming home and blowing up the space station using a pocket nuke. Brad Dad then kills himself because everyone who comes in contact with Capt. Brad dies. The small craft is damaged and is unusable to get back to the rocket. So Capt. Brad climbs onto a rotating antenna and uses it as a catapult to launch himself to the rocket using a piece of metal that he rips off the space station to shield himself from the asteroid rings. Somehow he developed Hulk strength and can rip sheet metal off a space station despite wearing space suit gloves. Capt. Brad also has incredible aim as he times the jump perfectly and is able to traverse several miles in space and arrive perfectly at his target.

To get back to earth Capt. Brad uses the pocket nuke induced anti-matter explosion as a propellant and "riding the wave". Of course he times his burn perfectly and is propelled back to earth in mere minutes. Somehow he is able to stop and re-enter despite his incredible velocity. His journey has imbued him with a newfound respect for emotions and his heart now works and he rekindles his relationship with Steve Tyler's daughter. The journey has taken a year so he gets back just in time for Tom Brady to win his 28th Super Bowl.
 
Wow...I guess I won't be watching that one. But, I can't wait for the next installment for "Upload" on Netflix, as it was very entertaining for both the wife and I.
 
Suspend disbelief. I wonder what the odds of him spinning on that radar unit and perfectly timing it were?
 
That movie. I'd blocked it from my memory. Now it's back. :mad:

After we watched it, I told my wife it should have been called 'Monkees in Spaaaaaaaace'.
 
I was so disappointed in this movie...beginning to end, after being very excited to see it, as anything space-related always excites me.

You should do a review of Interstellar,
 
I'm a bit shocked you all made it through the whole movie. If he ever hooked up with his dad I never saw it. He talked me to sleep long before.
 
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